No One Ever Asked What it Feels Like to Be Me


There was a day when my creative juices flowed and I could write, dream, decorate and envision just about anything in color – it oozed out of me.  I considered myself armed and dangerous with my pen, laptop, Bible and a plethora of self-help books. Now I find myself struggling to find the words, the time, and anything remotely creative to inspire me as I fling open the doors to my soul and share. In other words, I am experiencing a whole new meaning to “Frozen”.

Oh, I know.  It’s because it’s about me and my experiences. At time it feels like cleaning out the closet that is overflowing and you know it’s going to be tough because you have to dig through all of the accumulated years of “chunk”, sort it out and then look long and hard at it asking, “Is it worth keeping?” This is kind of what this feels like today as voices cry out in my head: What if they don’t like it, or it’s too serious, too sad, too boring, or just plain silly!

So, I am going to approach it like this, I will blog what I know. I will share my feelings and my life experiences with the hope of inspiring others to not give up, to stay the course and never stop believing in miracles. If you find yourself struggling I hope to bring you a positive word or a smile. I only ask you to keep in mind these are my truths from my perspective. And much like Aibleen, these are my prayers that have become my story.

It’s not easy to open up wounded areas of the heart. Most times these become areas that have been dormant because we no longer want to look at them. But somehow, some way they creep back into my thoughts, our thoughts and when we least expect them. They can leave us asking, “What if?”

I will admit most of these are shaded parts of me I prefer to hide and not allow others to see. But because of the hand print of God on my life I feel compelled to share with others and hope it will bring courage that’s needed to persevere and come out on the other side.

It is only because of God’s faithfulness and unconditional love I have been able to look deep into the wounded places of my heart and soul. These are the places where only the light of God can creep in and things begin to make sense to me. In my transparency with him I have become more aware of how He has walked with me, strengthened me, and most of all, loved me through life’s most challenging times.

The joys, heartaches and disappointments experienced in life have helped me find my way to a deeper understanding of how God made me and how, because of him I have compassion like never before. Not to mention, I am learning to feel again, to love again and forgive. Even to forgive myself. I am a work in progress!

So, as I was house sitting last weekend I watched a movie, The Help. I had seen this movie before and liked it but this time something was different. Could it be me?

As I watched Aibleen leave the only life she had known, the home she so tenderly cared for and the child she had loved a lump formed in my throat. It was then I realized Aibleen and I had something in common, no one had ever asked what it felt like to be me.

Yes, I had friends and family to support and pray for me. But not once did I ever have someone ask me that question. I can’t help but wonder why. Why would I not ask that question to someone else who may be hurting? Do we not ask because we don’t want our pain to show up when we are portraying our life as perfect? God say’s in his Word, in this world we will have trouble. And there is plenty of it. And in the midst of it we may ask, “Where are you God?”

There is one thing I know for sure and that is when we begin each day of our journey counting our blessings we can then see clearly how God is with us. It is in our gratefulness God will provide the strength needed to bring about the change to inspire us to push through those tough times. And this ultimately provides us with the courage to share with others what it feels like to be us. What it feels like to have loved and lost.

So, I want to start with my blessings, and there are many. However the two most cherished moments of my lifetime were the birth of my two sons. My fondest memories are of their birth and holding them for the first time. There was a love that flooded my heart and it was nothing like I’d ever experienced before. I remember thinking they were the most beautiful babies anyone could lay eyes on. They were the answer to my prayers as I’d longed for the day I would be a mom!   And while alone in my hospital room, in the quiet of the night I began praying for them, dreaming for them and of their future.

Not once did I imagine anything outside of perfect. And for a very long time it felt just like that, perfect. And then life happened. Divorce happened. And I found myself in a season of broken dreams, broken promises and great loss. Life threw us a curve ball and life as we had known it would never be the same.

In honor of Aibleen and all of those who have loved and lost I echo her words…You’re kind, you’re smart, you’re important