Trust is a heart purpose that begins with intention.
We decide if we will trust.
We decide if we will be trustworthy.
As mentioned in my previous blog, trust is something learned at an early age. If someone hurts or deceives us we feel betrayed. Betrayal can cause us to carry wounds that change the pattern of our thinking and feeling. As we continue through life if that wound is not healed then it festers. As time passes we may find ourselves in what I call protective mode. Being in protective mode can manifest into doubt, bitterness, resentment, and a pain that creates a wedge prohibiting us to be transparent with others. It’s safe to say it impacts the way we love ourselves and how we love others.
My trust issues originated from lack of love and care from my biological father. At the time I was too young to understand why and it caused me to guard my heart as I grew up. I did not trust too many people. If I felt someone was unsafe or untrustworthy it was easy for me to walk away so not to get hurt. With each wound I became more guarded and it planted seeds of doubt regarding God’s love for me, and a lack of trust in him.
Through the years my relationship with God has taken many turns as I’ve grown in my trust and understanding of him. I did the changing. He remained the same. (Malachi 3:6)
As a teenager I began thinking of marriage and told myself I would marry someone I can trust because that was important to me. At the age of 19 I married a police officer, and because he wore a badge it added a false sense of security in that I could trust him. Unfortunately, he became the second man in my life to wound me with betrayal. I had been married about 9 months and was 3 months pregnant when his brother informed me it was good we were having a baby because his brother had planned on leaving me. It was approximately 10 years later when his sister shared with my cousin her brother would be leaving me when I turned 40. After a 21 year marriage, two sons, and turning 40 we divorced.
In life there are times we come face-to-face with truth but we refuse to look at it, walk in it and/or believe it. This has been the case for me in a few seasons of life. The truth can hurt. But in our weakness God gives us strength.
In the midst of trials and tribulations I have learned who I can trust, and the importance of being trustworthy. I have learned people let us down. I have learned I have let people down. Even the best of intentions can be misconstrued and cause pain to another. On days when trust struggles start to wear me down I cling to the promises of God because he never changes. He promises to work all things together for my good. These are the days I see him weaving the tattered pieces of life’s mistakes into a tapestry of his promises for a future and a hope where I am set free.
As I reflect my trust wounds were from men who took up the most room in my heart; starting with my birth father and ending with my youngest son. And in the midst of those trust challenges I have had to give God thanks for the men in between who He used to rebuild my trust. One being the man I have called dad since the age of 3, and the other is my eldest son. Both have opened their hearts to me allowing a relationship that is based on respect and transparency. These are love relationships God has used to rebuild my confidence in trusting.
On days when I feel anxious to trust I am reminded of God’s love and how he took the wounds of this world enduring betrayal so we could be set free from it.
When I look at how far I’ve come and the hand who has brought me here I can’t help but ask, who can understand the depths of his love? Because I cannot. It is beyond my comprehension but I am thankful every day for it.
In his compassion and love for me he provided a dad that has been faithful to my mom and our family. He has amazed me at how in times of trouble he is my helper. My peace in times of chaos. And joy when there has been sorrow. He has taught me the value of trust, faith, hope and love in a world struggling with betrayal, fear, loss and hate.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.