Thursday Night’s NightCap – Walls

Have good relationships gone bad and created walls around your heart?

Last Thursday I shared some of my humorous dating challenges and how most recently I’ve become aware of what looks like a moat formed around my heart. For the most part I feel justified in its existence. Unfortunately, this wall can only hinder others from entering in and that is not what I want. What I want is to have wisdom, trust and an open heart as I learn to love again and allow someone to love me back.

Tonight I will have my ‘Thursday Nightcap’ be a glass of my favorite Chardonnay, Raumbauer. I’ll share some thoughts on waiting and dating as we look forward to letting love back in.

First, I want you to know I’m coming out of my funk from last week! I first noticed this on my way over to the theater after church on Sunday. I stood looking at the movie board and my eyes caught the new release, ‘The Perfect Guy’ starring Michael Ealy. I immediately walked up to the window and requested my ticket, one please. No, it didn’t bother me to go to a movie alone.

Of course popcorn always helps! After all, what is a movie without popcorn? I must warn you this movie is a thriller with scenarios I feel are important to be aware of while dating. You will know what NOT to do! It definitely reinforced the many reasons one should act wisely and not rush into a relationship. After all, it’s important to give ourselves time to learn about another. Let the good, bad or indifferent surface before rushing into anything unhealthy, or dangerous for that matter!

Seriously, the saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” was not just a random thought! Not sure about you, but I can’t envision some girl sitting under a tree, wind blowing in her face, leaning back thinking how grand it will be to kiss many men, er frogs…before she finds the handsome prince! No, I imagine that would make her throw herself face down under the tree, pounding her fists in exasperation over the many exhausting dates and bad kisses she’s experienced in hopes of finding her true love.

If only we valued our worth as women and had the wisdom to know what is not good for us, at all times. If we could say in confidence, ‘NO’ to the wrong man and mean it, versus trying to make the glass slipper fit! We would be so happy and free to give our hearts to the right one.

Which leads me to ask, have you made your list of deal breakers? What about your list of must haves? Do you feel ready to enter back into the dating world with unshakable confidence that will keep the moat away from your heart? Are you prepared for more ‘girls nights out’, solo movie nights, and tables for one while you wait for the right man? If so, you’re on the right track! You can’t help but be successful in your search as you trust in the things you know to be true and wait!

As I continue to pray over these Scriptures and work through my dating fiascos, I too am prepared for more of the above. I will press on with patience and not lose hope in love!

I’ve included some Scripture to encourage and help move you to the other side:

*Many waters cannot quench love; neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be despised. Song of Solomon 8:7

*Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right. Song of Solomon 8:4

*May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thess 3:5

*Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Cor. 13:4-7

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Hope

In the year 2006 most of my weekends were spent visiting my youngest son at a State Penitentiary. This went on for too many years and it began to take its toll on me and my family. There were days it felt like the pain, fear, and disappointment would never end. There were other days I’d find myself distracted with thoughts of how it would end. Unfortunately, both left me with anxiety.

During these troublesome and heart wrenching years I worked hard to stay focused on life, my job, and keeping what was left of my family on track. Had it not been for my faith in God I truly don’t know where I would be today. When the reality of what our family faced raised its ugly head, the fear inside gripped every muscle in my being and captivated every thought. Panic attacks would enter in at the most inopportune times and no matter where I was, I would make a mad dash for the nearest restroom. I would hide in a stall praying, while trying to calm myself and my breathing, hoping no one would walk in on me. God was watching out for me because no one ever did. After what felt like long periods of time, I would straighten my clothes, push the hair back from my sweaty face and walk over to the sink. I would wash my face and look at myself in the mirror in disbelief. I wondered if I would be able to handle all that was going on around me.

There were days my faith was weak and I could not pray. I found myself going through the motions and just waiting for the day to end. It wasn’t like I looked forward to tomorrow. I just needed to get through the day. That became my prayer, “Lord, please just get me through the day, Amen.”

In the beginning there were many nights I’d fall asleep next to my Bible instead of reading it. I found it painful to read but also knew it was the one thing no one could take from me. It was the one thing that would never change. It felt like an old friend I knew would be there when I was ready to embrace it again. It would be waiting for me to open back up, and I would once again soak in the truth of God’s love for me and my family. Please don’t misunderstand, in no way did I blame God for anything my family and I were experiencing. Sometimes in life we suffer at the hands of others, and other times we suffer from our own bad choices.

The artwork on the wall in my home office reminds me of that season of life. The framed drawings bring back memories of a time I felt paralyzed in different areas of life. They remind me of how I had to come to the end of myself, to find myself.  It was there I could fully understand God’s unconditional love.

As I admire this artwork drawn by prisoners, I am reminded of how everyone has a story. Some stories end well, others don’t. What I find important is the men behind these drawings. The talent and passion that came with the hope that maybe someone would recognize them for much more than their troubles and dark places that brought them to this place of confinement.

Had they foreseen the wasted years in the desert land of a living hell, would they have made better choices? I wonder if those nearby would have heard their cry for help and came to their aid? Were those they counted on most, the ones who turned their back? Is the rejection of others what pushed them to go the wrong way?

There was a day I believed in the judicial system from years of being married to a police officer. Yet In this hard season I found myself awakened to the truth of what the other side of the law looks like. I saw firsthand how the system doesn’t work. I learned there is no “real” rehabilitation in prison. I saw for myself how it has always been a housing unit for the rebellious, unloved, abused, unpopular kids and those who give themselves over to plain evil.

It was the system I despised the most, that God used to soften my heart. The heart that had become hardened through years of being married to a police officer was learning to love others in a new way. It was the experience of heartache and loss in my own family that opened my eyes and expanded the truth of God’s love for this world. It broke my heart in new areas I never knew existed because I was too good, too prideful and busy to care about anything that would never touch me or anyone I loved. Or so I believed.

Today as I look up from my desk and see the drawings on my wall staring back at me, I see hope. The hope God planted deep inside of me that helped me not give up. The inspiration hope brings through the support of others during challenging times. A hope that left me feeling loved and cared for when I felt unlovable and like a failure as a Mom. The hope that came through provisions that looked impossible but God said, “Nothing is impossible with me!” These are just a few of the different ways God showed up and said, “I am with you to the end and I will never forsake you.”

If you’re feeling like you’ve lost hope or someone you care for has lost hope then I want to leave you encouraged. The truth will set you free and God’s promise to never leave you will pull you through to the other side, if you let him:

*For nothing will be impossible with God. Luke 1:37

*I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

* Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I

will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10 KJV

*Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, [and] there is nothing too hard for thee. Jeremiah 32:17 KJV

*What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31 ESV

*No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

Thursday Night’s NightCap

As I was contemplating what to blog I had to ask myself why is it that I’ve been feeling so emotional. I can name a few reasons but tonight I am putting the blame on the new dating site I recently joined. Yes, for 2-months I’ve been on a dating site that has humbled me with plenty of rejection! Think about it, as one prepares to join a dating site I can only assume like me they feel it is a good way to meet someone when life is busy and you don’t hang out in bars.

So, with a little push and a little shove from friends and family I took the plunge and signed up.

I find myself online with others who have opened up their hearts so that other lonely hearts can feed off of them. Beware of the bottom feeders!  Men and women both prey on those they feel may make them happy. They send a smile, an email or a wink with hopes of finding love or getting something in return. Now I’ve “heard” of success stories where people have met, have fallen in love and married. But I’ve met no one this has actually happened to. Have you?

What I’ve concluded after emails, winks, calls and some dates is that it takes courage, and thick skin to put your heart and picture out there for others to read and evaluate. We must be confident and ready for, well just about anything! We must know how to accept rejection, and how to kindly reject others because like it or not it’s going to happen to all of us.

So for some giggles as we sip, drink or gulp I am going to share a story or two;

I received an email from a guy who wanted to talk because he felt our profiles were a match. Ok, I check out his profile and we seem to have quite a bit in common (great pics of him healthy and active)  Our conversation is easy and humorous.  I’m thinking not bad, it’s comfortable and so far no odd quiet moments. As we’re wrapping up the call he proceeds to tell me there is one thing he needs to share with me. My first thought, “Ok, now what?” He then tells me he’d like to get together but just one problem he was in a motorcycle accident a month ago and can’t drive or walk. Seriously? Like I am going to a house of someone I don’t know to pick them up, throw their walker/wheelchair in the back of my car to take them for coffee? Or better yet, I am going to the house of someone who I don’t know hoping he is who he says is and he really is a good guy! Let it be known one of my favorite shows is America’s Most Wanted, and let’s not forget I was married to a police officer.

As I was contemplating my fate on this site I began to feel the need to remove my profile because I was over the top with these men my age who ONLY want to date someone that’s half their age. Or like the one guy I talked to that could not stop asking me if I thought he was nice looking!

Or what about the guy who after 5 dates wants to give me 5 days out of the country, anywhere I want to go. He lays down his black American Express and informs me this card has a lot of money on it!  But I said to him, wow I don’t even know your last name! And let’s not forget the guy I met online and discovered we are neighbors!  After a few dates he too wanted to take me away but when I graciously explained to him that it was too early for that he disappeared for 3 days.  And then on the third day he was seen whizzing by in his jeep with another chick and his surf board!

Truly one must find humor in using online dating because these types of sites can mess with your mind!  They can make you second guess who you are, if you’re pretty enough, thin enough, and make you question your self-worth.

My biggest discovery with online dating is that rejection doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. It makes me put my walls back up in order to protect myself and I’ve worked hard to bring those walls down in order to be ready to invite love back in. I definitely don’t want some dating site to interfere with all of the good work God has done to prepare me for my season of dating!

However, I think for now I am going to keep the profile up because after all, I paid for it.  And because I am still a hopeless romantic I’d like to go back to the days of “You’ve Got Mail”, “Must Love Dogs”, and “Sleepless in Seattle” when love came with honor and respect. One thing I know for sure is I will not stop believing for my man!  I know he is out there and together God and I will find him!

Sleep well and Sweet dreams!

Thursday Night’s Night Cap

In life we can become so busy we often forget to take notice of the people/things we love.  We forget what makes us happy! Most days begin and end with our “To Do” lists in hopes of not forgetting anything important. But what about the things we love, are they not important?

If this is you stop what you’re doing right now and grab your pen, paper, and don’t forget your Night Cap while making a list of some of the things/people you love most!  Cheers!

Things I love:

1. God & my Bible
2. My Kids, Granddaughter’s, and Family
3. Friends
4. Hugs
5. Writing/Blogging
6. The ocean
7. Blue Butterflies
8. Helping others
9. Ladybugs
10. Sunsets
11. Babies
12. Puppies
13. Long walks
14. Working out
15. Sweet Memories
16. The smell of Turkey on Thanksgiving day
17. Everything about Christmas – even busy malls
18. Meeting new people
19. Chai lattes
20. Sailing
21. A glass of wine with friends
22. Life Group
23. Hard work and a paycheck
24. Balboa Island
25. USA
26. New clothes
27. Chick flicks
28. Packing for vacation
29. Surprises  (good surprises)
30. Home

It’s amazing how a little break from the “To Do” list and mundane can bring us back to what’s truly important – the things we love. I hope this little exercise helped you as much as it did me – Sweet dreams!

Thursday Night’s NightCap

Be careful little eyes…

Ever been out with the girls or the guys for a night of fun and relaxation and have it turn into a “gripe” session? Before you know it everyone has a story to share, a problem to solve, or a need for something “different” in life because life is no longer fun!  Suddenly, what was once the good ole life has now turned into the daily task of paying bills, working a job you no longer love, cleaning a house that no longer feels peaceful, endless diapers, cranky kids, and significant others that just don’t get you!

I am sure we’ve all been there and possibly done just that, complained to our friends or perhaps anybody that would listen.  Or, maybe worse reached out for something else to dull the pain and fill the void believing it was “fun”.

With nightcap in hand (whatever that means to you..a nice cold beer, crisp glass of vino, hot chocolate or chocolate bar!) I encourage you to think about the good and positive in your life. Create a place where you can reflect, pray and plan for a better way through difficult times, the mundane and not so fun days that try to steal you away from the good ole life.

Remember, it’s a slow fade…

Time Alone with God

Do you have a place where you go to get away from the pressure, stress, and chaos of life? A special place where you can sit quietly without interruption, allowing yourself to unwind and be alone with God?  Can you sense an emotional siren pulsating through your body, alerting you to your need for a time out?

If this is you, don’t ignore the warning signs and your need to be alone with God as it can be hazardous to your health!  Our spiritual being was created for communion with our Creator. The hunger of our soul is to be quenched by God who supplies every need. He provides our strength and hope as we push through this life.

It’s hard to admit that there were fourteen years, (yes fourteen!)  where I spent too much time attempting to overcome all life had thrown at me in my own strength. It may sound pathetic and a little victimized, but I found myself wrestling to get through loss, pain, disappointment, and fear so I could finally say, “I made it, we made it!”  I desperately wanted to be done with all of the stress I had put myself under to try and save my family. I wanted everyone fixed so we could all start living life how I had always envisioned it. I had convinced myself it was my fierce determination and hope for a better tomorrow that got me through each day. However, that was not it at all!  My hope for better tomorrows and prayers for all that concerned me were right on, but my inability to release control and live life according to God’s way had become infectious to mind, body and spirit. My need to “fix” everybody and everything was hindering me from doing life God’s way, and it was His grace that brought me through and into each new day.

Somehow I believed my dreams would be the same dreams my family shared. Over the years the aspirations and expectations I envisioned for us had morphed into the goal behind every need to repair, save, cover up, and control.  Take that mentality and mix it with additional chaos, stress, and people behaving badly and I found myself in not such a good place.

(Divorce, troubled teen, son leaving for college, loss of a loved one to cancer, moving to a new home, and starting a new job)  All high on the stress bar! 

It was in my reflection time God was able to show me how I had allowed the behaviors of others to rob me from trusting Him in all things and for all things. I had surrendered to pressure and not God.

As pressure builds we can find ourselves breaking down, and if we don’t allow ourselves time to get away to reflect and pray we may find ourselves reacting instead of responding in wisdom, peace, gentleness and a spirit of truth and love. I came to realize it was under this pressure I was losing my way.

Many times throughout the New Testament you will find Jesus leaving everyone and everything to get away alone to pray. He has left us with the perfect example of what to do when life becomes overwhelming and we need a break!  Even if we’re praying throughout our day there are times when we will need to remove ourselves from all people and things so we can focus and listen to the still small voice inside warning, encouraging and instilling wisdom for the moment and days ahead.  It is imperative to take ourselves to a place where we can connect with God and listen without interruption.

Because God is a faithful and loving God, He graciously brought me to the place where I could see the light and love of His ways. He brought me to the end of myself where I was surrendered enough to move deeper into his purposes and plans for my life. His plan was and is to save us all but we need to make the choice to let Him. In my choice to surrender the family I held so dear to my heart God gently showed me how to leave all that concerns me, all that I love and cherish at His feet for His purposes. After all, God has not made me the savior of my family.  He already provided a Savior for us long ago!

We will find when taking time to be alone with God, we find freedom. The troubles invading our hearts, homes, families, careers, friendships, and every important part of our life become smaller and less frightening, and God becomes bigger.  His power and grace will take over as we relinquish control and surrender.

Today if you find yourself struggling I pray the Scripture below will help comfort you as you make your way to the other side:

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

“But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.” Luke 5:16

“In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there.”  Mark 1:35

“After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone.”  Matthew 14:23

“Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” Hebrews 4:7b