My First Last Date

Great things are happening as I step into the New Year!  It begins with a new career, great friends, and new opportunities!

But I had one “dilemma” causing me confusion and of course, it was with a man.

In fall of 2015 while in Israel with our church I met a man who I thought would be great for one of my friends. However, I fell for him when he wooed me and captivated my heart!

Our first adventure was Christmas Eve at Disneyland which lead to more adventures. Hikes, sailing, talks and bike rides were only part of it. But after many dates there was one we never shared, dinner at a fancy restaurant.

I knew better than to date a man who’d never been married or in a longterm relationship. (Meaning longer than 5 years) However, ignoring the signs I invested my heart and learned another valuable lesson on dating – don’t settle.

Ladies know what you want so when they don’t you can get out of their way.

Within 6 months of dating he began distancing himself feeling pressured to have to make a decision to move into a more serious relationship or just date.  For me, if the relationship wasn’t going anywhere then we needed to be free to date others. Two months later we agreed to end the relationship.

Apparently we missed each other because we connected again last month and had 7 hours in a car where he shared what caused him issues in the relationship.  He then admitted he was pulling away in the end. He felt better. I did not.

Had I heard him correctly?  Was he asking to start over, slow. I thought that’s what we were doing and it didn’t work!  As much as I love a happily ever after story this appeared to be more of an all about him story.

It was two dates later we had our first last date. I got that nice dinner at A’s restaurant in Newport Beach.  It felt more like an obligation and not a date as he asked me why we never had dinners like this when we were dating. Really? I could not help but remind him of how he was watching his weight. Not to mention, he never asked.

Was I supposed to be feeling good about where this was going?  If so, I was not.

Sometimes we find ourselves waiting on the wrong man.  We allow them back in when we know they don’t want the same things out of a relationship. This time it didn’t take me 8 months to see the signs that this relationship was not going to go anywhere.

I appreciate his “slow” offer but I needed to be true to myself. The alarm went off as I realized if expressing my heart puts pressure on a man, then clearly I’m with the wrong man.

Yes, believe in love and don’t force it.

I promise you this, it won’t take you for a short ride, drop you off and park you somewhere. It will leave you secure when sharing your heart, dreams and goals for the future. Wait for it and don’t settle.

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It’s Just A Taco

 

It’s just a taco I thought after the guy I was dating turned his head and blurted out, “Must you always be so accommodating!”  He really wasn’t asking a question.  It was more out of frustration he spoke those words.

Guess what, its months later and I’m still thinking about his comment and if asked today, my response would still be the same.  “It’s just a taco.”

You see, I’ve learned over the years to pick and choose my battles, and how to use my words.  Although I don’t always use them correctly or in the right tone I am aware more than ever how important our words are and how damaging they can be when they are not spoken with love and respect.

That evening we decided to share an appetizer at Tommy Bahama’s and we agreed upon Ahi tacos!  When they arrived he discovered they were not what he thought they were and did not want them.  I suggested we send them back and get something we both liked and that is when he responded with “Must you always be so accommodating!”  I gently told him yes, it’s just a taco.  He then proceeded to tell me how all day long he gets his way. (It’s because he is a business owner and not because he was dating me)

Clearly by now my head was filling with all kinds of things I wanted to blurt out but I did not because life is short and why would we want to not make others happy!

Although we’re no longer dating the question still echoes through my mind. You see, it’s my desire to have a mutual loving relationship and not one that is demanding of its own way. I’ve noticed the older we become the more set in our ways we become and less flexible. I don’t want to be one of those women that demands her own way!  However, it’s important to not lose oneself in our relationships.  We need to stay true to who we are and how God made us. I can say one thing for sure and that is when it comes to decision making I don’t have a problem.  More times than not I trust my judgement and when there are things I believe strongly in I will not be so accommodating.

I share this experience because it’s something I don’t want to change about myself, and one I hope the next guy will appreciate about me.  As I reflect on past relationships I want to take note of things I’ve sacrificed and may have lost as much as what I’ve learned.  Being accommodating, flexible, and giving is part of who I am and I don’t want to lose those qualities because it’s taken years of growth and hard knocks to learn how to be less selfish and stubborn.

I’ve learned relationships are about give and take.  You can’t go wrong when you can be self-sacrificing. Life and tacos can’t always be about us!  We’re no longer 2 years old and in need of what we consider “MINE” or “I WANT”.  It’s time to learn how to share and make ourselves more accommodating to those around us for the sake of love and learning.  Not to mention, peace.

My recent trip to Sedona affirmed my desire for more of God and how he created me. By having time to be by myself I discovered how freeing it is to just be “me”.  No agenda. No trying to impress someone. I could just be me!

When I returned I was more convinced than ever to continue on the path of being the best I can be in all of my relationships. I believe it will be more rewarding when we just do us and not pretend to be who others say we should be.

Our character and qualities of life are not to be taken lightly but to be shared for the good of others.  When we do this we can almost always guarantee a good and happy ending.

Table For One?

Ecclesiastes 4:9 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.”

After a 21 year marriage I thought I’d never get used to flying solo. But I did. In the beginning it was not so easy nor comfortable and then there came a day it felt OK. Over the years I’ve learned to embrace it and enjoy it for many different reasons. However, there are days it can be challenging, like when I would like someone to take out the garbage or fill my gas tank! 

Now, with all kidding aside the best part of my singleness has been having the time to learn more about myself and grow my faith in God. 

Before moving to So Cal a little over 2 years ago the family dynamics were such that I spent more time caring for others than myself. This was not all bad until I began to lose myself along with the dreams tucked away in the secret places of my heart. But then something amazing happened, in spite of the circumstances surrounding me God orchestrated things in my life I never could have on my own and I landed in Newport! Such a beautiful location and one I would’ve not chosen for myself for all of the obvious reasons….mainly feeling unworthy of such beautiful surroundings.

My move to So Cal is one of many blessings and ways God has shown love and care for me. Throughout my successes and failures God remains faithful and I can always count on him to work in my life in spite of my ability to get in his way! 

Yes, I get in his way. Lately I’ve been asking myself this question, “Lorna, What blessings have you blocked or put on hold due to your lack of faith and trust in the God you say you love?”  

If I’m honest with myself, I can think of plenty of times I’ve blown it and lost out on something good. These past couple of months I’ve felt out of synch in a few different areas of life and most importantly with God. Of course I recognized this by my lack of patience and more so when irritability became my new best friend. 

In many of our relationships we find there will be days we have less patience, become weary or irritable. This doesn’t mean we don’t care but it does mean we need to stop and check ourselves because whenever we invest time and energy into anything in life that doesn’t produce the end result we’d hoped for it can leave us out of synch. (Meaning , hurt, frustrated, disallusioned etc.)

So after some much needed R&R I ventured over to Sedona Arizona a place where hearts can heal and our spiritual side is awakened. It is here and alone with God I’ve been able to realign my heart and find rest.
It doesn’t matter how much of life or relationship that gets in the way of what’s important we can always count on, God! His love never changes. No matter how many times we get in his way He always has more blessing waiting for us! More healing! And more life to experience with him!   

The last 5 days could not have been planned more perfectly or in a more divine location for what my heart and soul needed at this time. 

Have you heard the saying, love will happen when you least expect it. Well I say, God always shows up when you least expect it! 

There is so much more to share but I need to go catch my flight home! But for now here is a small example of how God whispers gentle reminders of how he sees and knows our heart and wants to splash us with hope!

My Red Rock Balloon ride offered two balloons and I thought I would be in the one with those who picked me up at 5:30am for this big adventure! Interestingly enough when we got to the site I met a woman who was vacationing on her own as well. We hit it off and we assumed we were on the same balloon ride. However, they called me over and put me in a balloon with none of those who rode over in my van. I was bummed because this group was looking fun! But as we launched into the morning sun with a mild wind brushing against our face I quickly forgot I was alone.  There  amazing views from 1050 feet up in the air looking over a 12 man basket! As I was quietly thanking God for this trip I heard the young man in front of me ask, “Will you marry me?”

No, he wasn’t asking me! Lol! I mean he was in front of me and exactly an arms length away with his sweet soon to be fiancée.  They both serve in the Navy! I looked down and in his hand he held a little white box with a diamond ring that would steal the breath away from any woman. It was exquisite!  

Of course she was crying and then I began to cry as I watched them embrace. As I looked out over the Red Rock to give them their moment I was gently reminded of God’s beauty and majestic ways he reminds us of how he hears and he sees us. 

When we feel out of synch with life we can always count on God to pull us in close to remind us that all good things come to those who wait.  

Until next time!

Life & Love Require Action

The past few months have been a whirlwind of events, holidays and a life changing trip to Israel.  In the midst of all the joy and celebration life has availed me I often find myself having to make hard decisions. Such is life!  However, I’ve discovered the best part of life is LOVE.

Anyway you want to look at it, we were created to love and be loved. Unfortunately, love doesn’t always mean sunshine and roses!

There have been deep insights uncovered revealing my heart and soul as I’ve learned to let go and let love in.  What I’ve discovered is there have been times I’ve loved well, and others, not so well.

As I continue on in life I desire to keep learning and growing in this area so I can give to others what God has so graciously given to me, and that being the unconditional gift of love that was meant to set us free.  It’s a love that sometimes feels uncomfortable and other times, too comfortable. It’s a love providing strength and courage while allowing self reflection in hopes of enhancing one’s experience with love.  It’s a love exuding forgiveness.

I’ve found one perfect example of this love in the story of John 3:16 and the more I study and stumble in and out of love in this not so merciful and gracious world I discover what matters most is how I reflect that love.  No matter where I am, be it in a relationship, the store, the gas station, work, home or with a friend how I love is important.  How we love is important. It’s vital to our very soul and the soul of others.

So, I share today a bit of wisdom from a recommended book by a friend, The Seven levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.

“But in order to love you must be free, for to love is to give yourself to someone or something freely, completely,  unconditionally,  and without reservation. It is as if you could take the very essence of your very self in your hands and give it to another person. Yet to give yourself to another person,  to an endeavor, or to God you must first possess your self. This possession of self is freedom.  It is a prerequisite for love, and is attained only through discipline…The problem is we don’t want discipline. We want someone else to tell us we can be happy without discipline.”

I highly recommend this book to those in every stage of a relationship as it touches on all levels as well as the dynamics surrounding those levels as you make your way into a deeper and lasting freedom with God and others.

Let me leave you with this thought from page 63:

“With your self in hand,  you can choose to freely and completely give yourself to another person in the mystery of love.”

Thursday Night’s NightCap

 

All I can say is, “Wow! How quickly time flies when you’re having fun!” So much to share, but I hesitate to give it all to you in one sitting! Sip slow!

I must confess I’ve had one of the best dating weeks I’ve had in a very long time! I know what you must be thinking…Oh boy, it’s only been a week!

Yes, just a week, but in all seriousness I’ve been waiting a bit for this guy to ask me out. During the waiting period it has been rough because I know what I want and if someone isn’t ready, or they’re not interested, there’s not much one can do. It’s like I mentioned last week, don’t force the glass slipper! Over this waiting period, I’ve prayed about it. Not much changed outside of seeing him at our Tuesday night Life Group. Then summer break came along. That’s when I began to look at other opportunities and eventually put myself on the infamous dating site! Which we know was not going very well. And then…

Before I knew it, we were at dinner and it was comfortable as the two of us shared what matters the most to us when it comes to dating. I’ve always believed communication is key to learning about one another when making a decision to move forward. You might not think this is too big of a deal but trust me, at my age, it is a VERY big deal. I don’t want to waste time on a man that isn’t going in a similar direction and doesn’t share the same faith. This may reduce my chances of meeting a great guy down to about 5%, but I’m more than willing to take those chances. I can say this because I am not looking to waste my time or anyone else’s. Why would I do that at my age, or why should any of us do that any age? Actually, I’ve made that dating mistake in the past and that may just be one of the reasons I find myself still single.

Now I found myself having this conversation with the only guy who truly caught my attention after moving to So Cal, and it felt good. I felt encouraged. After all, it was those two months on a dating site that left me second guessing myself and the men out there.

As I drove home the other day, with the sunlight glistening over the ocean, it dawned on me that if I had given up and stopped praying for a good man, I may have missed out on last week. Had I thrown the baby out with the bathwater, I may have given up an opportunity for God to answer in His way, and in His time. Not to mention, I would have missed out on a few fun days with a really good guy.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not alluding to anything more than what it is right now. Putting it simply, I met a man about a year ago that caught my attention. We’ve now decided to spend some good time together and have fun. If something more comes of it, great! If not, then I will be that much closer to finding the right one and being ready to take the risks that come when one opens up their heart and allows another to see inside.

Does is feel a bit scary, yes. Will I be careful? Yes. Am I excited to see what may become of this new relationship outside of Life Group? Yes, and I hope he is too. One thing you can be sure of is there will be continued prayer with an open mind and heart as we move into the days ahead.

Question of the night, how many frogs did you kiss before you met your prince?

Thursday Night’s NightCap – Walls

Have good relationships gone bad and created walls around your heart?

Last Thursday I shared some of my humorous dating challenges and how most recently I’ve become aware of what looks like a moat formed around my heart. For the most part I feel justified in its existence. Unfortunately, this wall can only hinder others from entering in and that is not what I want. What I want is to have wisdom, trust and an open heart as I learn to love again and allow someone to love me back.

Tonight I will have my ‘Thursday Nightcap’ be a glass of my favorite Chardonnay, Raumbauer. I’ll share some thoughts on waiting and dating as we look forward to letting love back in.

First, I want you to know I’m coming out of my funk from last week! I first noticed this on my way over to the theater after church on Sunday. I stood looking at the movie board and my eyes caught the new release, ‘The Perfect Guy’ starring Michael Ealy. I immediately walked up to the window and requested my ticket, one please. No, it didn’t bother me to go to a movie alone.

Of course popcorn always helps! After all, what is a movie without popcorn? I must warn you this movie is a thriller with scenarios I feel are important to be aware of while dating. You will know what NOT to do! It definitely reinforced the many reasons one should act wisely and not rush into a relationship. After all, it’s important to give ourselves time to learn about another. Let the good, bad or indifferent surface before rushing into anything unhealthy, or dangerous for that matter!

Seriously, the saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” was not just a random thought! Not sure about you, but I can’t envision some girl sitting under a tree, wind blowing in her face, leaning back thinking how grand it will be to kiss many men, er frogs…before she finds the handsome prince! No, I imagine that would make her throw herself face down under the tree, pounding her fists in exasperation over the many exhausting dates and bad kisses she’s experienced in hopes of finding her true love.

If only we valued our worth as women and had the wisdom to know what is not good for us, at all times. If we could say in confidence, ‘NO’ to the wrong man and mean it, versus trying to make the glass slipper fit! We would be so happy and free to give our hearts to the right one.

Which leads me to ask, have you made your list of deal breakers? What about your list of must haves? Do you feel ready to enter back into the dating world with unshakable confidence that will keep the moat away from your heart? Are you prepared for more ‘girls nights out’, solo movie nights, and tables for one while you wait for the right man? If so, you’re on the right track! You can’t help but be successful in your search as you trust in the things you know to be true and wait!

As I continue to pray over these Scriptures and work through my dating fiascos, I too am prepared for more of the above. I will press on with patience and not lose hope in love!

I’ve included some Scripture to encourage and help move you to the other side:

*Many waters cannot quench love; neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be despised. Song of Solomon 8:7

*Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right. Song of Solomon 8:4

*May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thess 3:5

*Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Cor. 13:4-7

Thursday Night’s NightCap

As I was contemplating what to blog I had to ask myself why is it that I’ve been feeling so emotional. I can name a few reasons but tonight I am putting the blame on the new dating site I recently joined. Yes, for 2-months I’ve been on a dating site that has humbled me with plenty of rejection! Think about it, as one prepares to join a dating site I can only assume like me they feel it is a good way to meet someone when life is busy and you don’t hang out in bars.

So, with a little push and a little shove from friends and family I took the plunge and signed up.

I find myself online with others who have opened up their hearts so that other lonely hearts can feed off of them. Beware of the bottom feeders!  Men and women both prey on those they feel may make them happy. They send a smile, an email or a wink with hopes of finding love or getting something in return. Now I’ve “heard” of success stories where people have met, have fallen in love and married. But I’ve met no one this has actually happened to. Have you?

What I’ve concluded after emails, winks, calls and some dates is that it takes courage, and thick skin to put your heart and picture out there for others to read and evaluate. We must be confident and ready for, well just about anything! We must know how to accept rejection, and how to kindly reject others because like it or not it’s going to happen to all of us.

So for some giggles as we sip, drink or gulp I am going to share a story or two;

I received an email from a guy who wanted to talk because he felt our profiles were a match. Ok, I check out his profile and we seem to have quite a bit in common (great pics of him healthy and active)  Our conversation is easy and humorous.  I’m thinking not bad, it’s comfortable and so far no odd quiet moments. As we’re wrapping up the call he proceeds to tell me there is one thing he needs to share with me. My first thought, “Ok, now what?” He then tells me he’d like to get together but just one problem he was in a motorcycle accident a month ago and can’t drive or walk. Seriously? Like I am going to a house of someone I don’t know to pick them up, throw their walker/wheelchair in the back of my car to take them for coffee? Or better yet, I am going to the house of someone who I don’t know hoping he is who he says is and he really is a good guy! Let it be known one of my favorite shows is America’s Most Wanted, and let’s not forget I was married to a police officer.

As I was contemplating my fate on this site I began to feel the need to remove my profile because I was over the top with these men my age who ONLY want to date someone that’s half their age. Or like the one guy I talked to that could not stop asking me if I thought he was nice looking!

Or what about the guy who after 5 dates wants to give me 5 days out of the country, anywhere I want to go. He lays down his black American Express and informs me this card has a lot of money on it!  But I said to him, wow I don’t even know your last name! And let’s not forget the guy I met online and discovered we are neighbors!  After a few dates he too wanted to take me away but when I graciously explained to him that it was too early for that he disappeared for 3 days.  And then on the third day he was seen whizzing by in his jeep with another chick and his surf board!

Truly one must find humor in using online dating because these types of sites can mess with your mind!  They can make you second guess who you are, if you’re pretty enough, thin enough, and make you question your self-worth.

My biggest discovery with online dating is that rejection doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. It makes me put my walls back up in order to protect myself and I’ve worked hard to bring those walls down in order to be ready to invite love back in. I definitely don’t want some dating site to interfere with all of the good work God has done to prepare me for my season of dating!

However, I think for now I am going to keep the profile up because after all, I paid for it.  And because I am still a hopeless romantic I’d like to go back to the days of “You’ve Got Mail”, “Must Love Dogs”, and “Sleepless in Seattle” when love came with honor and respect. One thing I know for sure is I will not stop believing for my man!  I know he is out there and together God and I will find him!

Sleep well and Sweet dreams!