Most People Don’t Know What They Want…

This morning I woke up to a different tune as the birds song came drifting through the screen of my patio door.  Listening intently it struck me that it wasn’t as sweet sounding as it was the day before. In fact, it sounded more like complaining.

I imagined the birds feeling a little like this…”Great, another hot day and my nest happens to be in the direct sunlight! Oh, right!  It’s Thursday which means that ugly old guy is going to come by and blow on my house with that long stick of his and mess things up! Dust everywhere, leaves everywhere and noise! There will be no rest for me!  Must I listen to my little guys chirping all day wanting more food and all of my attention?  Oh, I wonder if my birdies daddy plans on bringing dinner home or if I am going to have to go out and get it myself…and the crows!  Must I have them swooping down on my nest all day attempting to snatch up my little guys destroying all I’ve so proudly toiled over for my family.  All the rodents out there and they want what I have, can’t they go somewhere else for breakfast!   Looks like another day of protecting my young and dodging the attacks of the enemy.  Oh…look over there across the treetops, the grass appears to be greener on the other side…I wonder if I’d be happier over there…”

It reminded me of a commercial (see the link below) and how we tend to think what others have might bring us more happiness in life.  Thoughts of having it all or having more can distract us and take us to a place where we no longer consider the risk of being disrespectful or losing what we love.  Hard fact but we’re faced with the decision to be content with what God has provided to us every day as we look across our tree tops.

Even Abraham and Lot faced this dilemma as they looked across the land of the Jordan Valley.  (Genesis 13:1-18)  What looked like having it all to Lot and his need for more ended up being his downfall and brought Lot and his family so much loss and sorrow.  If only they would have been content with what God had provided them at that moment and time.  May we be mindful of how Greener…Bigger…are not always better.

Most People Don’t Know What They Want…But it is something different from what they have.

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AqYe/time-warner-cable-greener

 

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Piece by Piece – Father’s Matter

As mentioned in previous Blogs I was a young girl when my mom moved me to California. To this day I am thankful she found a good man to help raise me and that I could call daddy. As children we can conjure up all kinds of “ideas” and “reason” as to why our families are no longer living together, happy and loving one another. Truth may be we are no longer capable of living together but we can still “parent” together.  And most importantly, we can still love our children together even though we’re apart.

Yes, some parents leave.  Sometimes never to return. By “abandoning” they leave deep wounds.

And many parents stay.  They work hard to give their children what they need to grow and become their best self.  They give them family, love and a place to belong. God bless these parents, and I know He will.

My oldest son and his wife have a blended family.  Both families work well together and parent with love. I am proud of them for the work they’ve done and happy to say my granddaughter is thriving.  I’ve watched her grow into a confident, talented and happy young lady. I am not saying they don’t have challenges.  There are challenges in every home. But the difference they’ve made is all parents are working together to create a loving home for their child!

Not all families have a happy ending. In fact, the family I worked hard to create did not have a happy ending. There were years of challenges with heartache. My divorce ended ugly and my ex refused to cooperate with me for the good of our youngest son. It was a heart  wrenching journey from fear to faith as I worked through the consequences of divorce.

My hope is for us to leave our children free to love and be loved by their parents.  And if one parent walks away from their responsibility then the remaining parent will work to assure their child knows it is not any fault of theirs. Today I share this song by Kelly Clarkson, Piece by Piece and as we go from fear to faith we help our children to the other side. (Matthew 7:12)

Matters of The Heart

 

 

What has taken up residence in your heart?

So many things fill our heart leaving parts of us unrecognizable as we navigate life.  Scripture tells us in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  Basically, our heart drives us whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

At times there can be a myriad of emotion from love to hate and everything in between.  All of which impact who we are and how we love.

As I’ve spent time reflecting on my early childhood I discovered one of my heart matters to be about “trust”.   At the age of 4 years old I was driving with my mom and soon to be new dad to sign adoption papers.  I was in the backseat of the car when my mom turned around to tell me something very important.  At 4 years old I knew it was important because we were all dressed up and I felt anxious.  Not sure if I was picking up on my mom’s anxiousness or if my heart knew something was about to change.

It was through my blue eyes I saw my mom’s brown eyes and big brown hair (Bee hive dew) as she leaned over the seat and said, “Now we’re going to go talk to a nice man and he is going to ask if you want him to be your daddy, as she looked across the seat toward the man I would soon know as my daddy. Now remember to say yes when he asks if you want him to be your daddy, and when we’re done we will go get an ice cream.”  Point being I was a little girl who loved ice cream and so I eagerly agreed.

We drove the rest of the way in what felt like silence.

Growing up I knew very little about my biological father outside of a few things I had heard from others.  All of which were not good.  This made me come up with a few reasons of my own for him not being around.  These too were not good.

It’s with a grateful heart I can say, the decision my mom made to marry her new man and make him my dad was a good one.  He has always been a man of integrity, and takes his commitments seriously.  What I am most thankful for is he never left and he always made us feel loved.

Unfortunately, the rejection experienced during this time left scars that would eventually cause trouble for me in future relationships with men.  Interestingly enough it was after my 21 year marriage came to an end when I began to experience these effects of betrayal.  During my time of loss and sorrow I would lay awake at night thinking about what could have been or should have been.  It was after a short time of this I realized I needed to move on and let go of what should or could have been. After all, the last thing I wanted was a hardened heart.  Before long one of my daily prayers was for God to help me so I would not become an angry bitter woman afraid to love.  It was in this determination I had the strength to move forward.  I began to trust God in a new way.  There were times it wasn’t easy navigating the broken pieces of my heart but I was fearful of what could become of me.  I pictured myself driving down the street with a scowl on my face, laying on the horn for no apparent reason outside of the fact that I was just plain angry at life. And I reminded myself of how this would not be pretty!

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I never had pity parties! As ugly as they are I’ve thrown a few that have left me hung over from life.  But thank the good Lord for the remedy of friends!  Because in the midst of my heart matters I’ve had the love of family and good friends help rescue me.  It has been their support and unconditional love that helped pry open my eyes to the many promises of God. How we need God, family and friends!  I can see clearly how God used them to help resuscitate and push me through to the other side. I pray you let him do it for you too!

May these Scriptures bring encouragement and healing to your heart matters as you learn to trust God for more.

Q: Is there a heart matter you need let go so you can push through to the other side?

Today’s Scripture:

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong”

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Psalm 138:3 “In the day I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”

Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”

 

 

It’s Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

As I walk in the newness of this next chapter of life I am discovering more about me and how important change can be to our growth. Many times as we grow into the plans and purposes of God we will find there are things we must let go of in order to move forward. Some times what it looks like on the outside is not what is going on in the inside.

As a parent my heart’s desire was to get my children through life with as little heartache, loss and rejection so they would experience a life of success and love. That desire and prayer of mine never changed.

In my efforts to do everything right it did not always turn out right. As parents we do our best with what we’ve learned from watching others, books we’ve read and from our parents. But the most important part of being a mother is having a mother’s heart which I believe God places within us. It is in that heart of love we learn more about God, our children and ourselves.

There is a book by Dr. Dobson, “Parenting Isn’t for Cowards” which is a great book on parenting but it was the title that first grabbed me because the truth is in our journey of parenthood there is no guarantee of a happy ending. Challenges in parenting can surface at any age but one thing for sure is once a parent, always a parent. Parenting always will look different through the stages of life our kids grow into, and we must be ready to go the distance in hopes of releasing them into the future God prepared for them, with the ability to be self-supporting and contributors to a better society.

Today there is still pain in my heart as I reflect on days past. The days that turned into months, and months into years before my younger son came home. His years away were spent in more of a daze as his brother and I worked hard to support and encourage him. The vision of how this would all come to an end was much different than where I find this relationship today. During these turbulent years as dysfunctional as it was it was difficult to move forward and to find complete happiness knowing what he was going through.

Before my son went away he was showing signs of distress. In my efforts to help him life became more difficult because he only wanted help from his father. Now this would have been fine had his dad been emotionally available to help him. During a very critical time for my son his father began building a new life and was too busy for him. Because of the ramifications and circumstances surrounding my divorce this added to my concern for my son. My fear for his safety and well-being influenced my desire to fight harder for him. Unfortunately, my son did not want my help nor did he have any desire to have me parent him in any way. This fight for him was perceived as an intent for me to control more of his life and not as an act of a mother’s love and concern for her child.

As most parents experience with teenagers they go through a rebellious stage. His rebellion began before the divorce and worsened after. It was during his first years of high school when he began losing interest in school work and his responsibilities. His ability to focus on things other than sports and girls became less and less important to him. As mother’s we know many times our effort to parent and help our children in a time when things are spiraling out of control can leave us frantic. This is how I felt during that time, frantic as I watched my son become more distant and rebellious. It wasn’t long before my efforts began to look like a controlling mother gone mad. The more I tried to get my son under control and keep him accountable the more he despised me. In his rebellion he began cutting school and getting into trouble with the law.

Fast forward and now we’re in a courtroom where I find myself fighting to keep my son’s father accountable for him by seeing that he finish school and stay out of trouble. My fight in this battle was meant for good, not evil. It was done in love for my son in hopes of seeing him have a productive and healthy future.

My son like many kids of divorced parents wanted to live with his dad. The courts allowed this due to his age and the testimony of my son which stated I was trying to control him and his life by calling the school to see if he attended, did his homework, and by wanting to know if he was safe and staying out of trouble on the weekends. I thought I was doing what any caring loving mother would do who desires only the best for their child. Unfortunately, in our situation my son did not like me very much and considered me a control freak trying to ruin his life. In the midst of having all my parenting rights removed because of his age, and he and his father assuring the court they had everything under control I walked out of court that day an unwanted mother.   For me my marriage was over, but not my responsibility and love for my son.

As the days progressed I began to hear from friends how he was on the road to destruction. The more I tried to help the more twisted the lies of his father became toward me and my intentions towards my son. My hands and heart were tied.

Until Six-months later and 3 days after his 18 birthday he was arrested.

It was early morning as I sat down at my desk and began playing my messages when I was greeted with the voice of my son. His call was informing me he was in County Jail and needed me. As I gasped for air I dialed his dad’s number because believe it or not I had no idea where county jail was located. Yes, I had been married to a police officer and knew where the Police Dept. was but I don’t ever remember having been to County Jail.

Needless to say, I was given the address and hung up on.

Once again, things were about to change and I was going to embark on an even deeper darker road taking me to places I never wanted to go. Surrounding me with people I never thought to have a thought about. And bringing me closer to a God I thought I knew everything I needed to know about in my life time.

Every Day Is Mother’s Day

Every woman is of value and should be honored for the life, love and courage they have in caring for others, and their children. Being a woman is no easy feat. It comes with obligation and requires no fear. Or, shall I say the ability to act in spite of fear. It does not matter if you birthed your child or received them as a blessing from another because you are a mother and a care giver. Any way you look at it, being a mother is an honor that sometimes takes us into unknown territory requiring us to know no boundaries, and to always act out of unconditional love.

As women we have so much opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our families and communities. We have a power within us that was meant for courage and to change the world. It begins with us and then moves into the lives of those we love. If you’re a single mom parenting can be a bit more challenging as you find yourself playing a dual role, both mother and father. At times this dual role may overpower you and your ability to parent with the softer side. It’s important to have a good support system when raising children whether single or married. If you don’t have a support system I urge you to make it a priority to find other parents who can share the journey with you.

Whatever family dynamics you find yourself in please remember, you are enough! You’re the right mother for your kids and no matter the challenges God has instilled in each one of us the ability to do what we are called to do. At times it may not be all that easy and it may appear we have failed because we’ve not always reacted in the most appropriate way, made the best decisions, said the right things, or been there for every need. Or, maybe our kids are not where we feel they should be in life. These things don’t make you less of a mom or a bad parent. We are all doing the best we can with what we have and where we are in life. Don’t stop celebrating the small wins in parenting because life is short and we get one run.  Do your best & trust in God’s guidance, your dedication and love. And don’t forget to have faith in your kids for the end result!

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

Throughout my mom journey I have found myself in unfamiliar territory and these 2 verses have brought me comfort and encouragement. There have been times some of the challenges I faced provoked emotion and fear in me I could not control. This was no indication of a lack of love or lack of wanting the best for my children. But what it did do was step up my prayer life and strengthened my faith. It’s been my experience with God that he uses every situation to grow us, our children and our families. He allows nothing to go to waste.

Just recently during the Baltimore riot Toya Graham, the mother of a 16-year-old boy let the love and emotion for the well-being of her son take her to the front lines of that riot where she removed him from an embarrassing and dangerous situation. Toya warned her son to not go to that riot but to go to school, he did not listen. Kids do that from time to time. It does not mean you’re not a good mom. Toya has expectations for her son and his future.   She wants the best for him as do most mother’s.

Like Toya there will be times as mothers we will need to step out and make decisions on behalf of our children in hopes of saving them from something worse and life changing. I’ve experienced that emotion and have reacted in fear in hopes of keeping a child of mine from making choices that would lead them down the wrong path. All we can do is our best and not worry what others think or what they may say. Of course we all want to be perfect parents, reacting in love and wisdom at all times! Unfortunately, that is not real life. It you’ve not seen the video of Toya Graham, a mother who acted on her emotion and anger as she slapped her son off of the riot line and toward home!  It’s my guess she saved her son that day from trouble and from more than a few a slaps.

https://youtu.be/RhB7DyjxQNo

We all know kids say and do the darndest things!  Most times it is cute and we laugh.  Other times it may cause embarrassment and we may be a little less admired by others for our parenting skills. However, this in no way takes away the heart and good intentions for being the best we can be for our children. With the many distractions kids face today I want to encourage you to stay the course on those not so good days because its women like you that keep the candle burning in the hearts of your children which light up the path for their future.

Wishing You a Happy Mother’s Day Every Day!