Thursday Night’s NightCap – Walls

Have good relationships gone bad and created walls around your heart?

Last Thursday I shared some of my humorous dating challenges and how most recently I’ve become aware of what looks like a moat formed around my heart. For the most part I feel justified in its existence. Unfortunately, this wall can only hinder others from entering in and that is not what I want. What I want is to have wisdom, trust and an open heart as I learn to love again and allow someone to love me back.

Tonight I will have my ‘Thursday Nightcap’ be a glass of my favorite Chardonnay, Raumbauer. I’ll share some thoughts on waiting and dating as we look forward to letting love back in.

First, I want you to know I’m coming out of my funk from last week! I first noticed this on my way over to the theater after church on Sunday. I stood looking at the movie board and my eyes caught the new release, ‘The Perfect Guy’ starring Michael Ealy. I immediately walked up to the window and requested my ticket, one please. No, it didn’t bother me to go to a movie alone.

Of course popcorn always helps! After all, what is a movie without popcorn? I must warn you this movie is a thriller with scenarios I feel are important to be aware of while dating. You will know what NOT to do! It definitely reinforced the many reasons one should act wisely and not rush into a relationship. After all, it’s important to give ourselves time to learn about another. Let the good, bad or indifferent surface before rushing into anything unhealthy, or dangerous for that matter!

Seriously, the saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” was not just a random thought! Not sure about you, but I can’t envision some girl sitting under a tree, wind blowing in her face, leaning back thinking how grand it will be to kiss many men, er frogs…before she finds the handsome prince! No, I imagine that would make her throw herself face down under the tree, pounding her fists in exasperation over the many exhausting dates and bad kisses she’s experienced in hopes of finding her true love.

If only we valued our worth as women and had the wisdom to know what is not good for us, at all times. If we could say in confidence, ‘NO’ to the wrong man and mean it, versus trying to make the glass slipper fit! We would be so happy and free to give our hearts to the right one.

Which leads me to ask, have you made your list of deal breakers? What about your list of must haves? Do you feel ready to enter back into the dating world with unshakable confidence that will keep the moat away from your heart? Are you prepared for more ‘girls nights out’, solo movie nights, and tables for one while you wait for the right man? If so, you’re on the right track! You can’t help but be successful in your search as you trust in the things you know to be true and wait!

As I continue to pray over these Scriptures and work through my dating fiascos, I too am prepared for more of the above. I will press on with patience and not lose hope in love!

I’ve included some Scripture to encourage and help move you to the other side:

*Many waters cannot quench love; neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be despised. Song of Solomon 8:7

*Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right. Song of Solomon 8:4

*May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thess 3:5

*Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Cor. 13:4-7

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Time Brings Truth

Trust is a heart purpose that begins with intention. 

We decide if we will trust. 

We decide if we will be trustworthy. 

As mentioned in my previous blog, trust is something learned at an early age. If someone hurts or deceives us we feel betrayed. Betrayal can cause us to carry wounds that change the pattern of our thinking and feeling. As we continue through life if that wound is not healed then it festers. As time passes we may find ourselves in what I call protective mode. Being in protective mode can manifest into doubt, bitterness, resentment, and a pain that creates a wedge prohibiting us to be transparent with others. It’s safe to say it impacts the way we love ourselves and how we love others.

My trust issues originated from lack of love and care from my biological father. At the time I was too young to understand why and it caused me to guard my heart as I grew up. I did not trust too many people. If I felt someone was unsafe or untrustworthy it was easy for me to walk away so not to get hurt. With each wound I became more guarded and it planted seeds of doubt regarding God’s love for me, and a lack of trust in him.

Through the years my relationship with God has taken many turns as I’ve grown in my trust and understanding of him. I did the changing. He remained the same. (Malachi 3:6)

As a teenager I began thinking of marriage and told myself I would marry someone I can trust because that was important to me. At the age of 19 I married a police officer, and because he wore a badge it added a false sense of security in that I could trust him. Unfortunately, he became the second man in my life to wound me with betrayal. I had been married about 9 months and was 3 months pregnant when his brother informed me it was good we were having a baby because his brother had planned on leaving me. It was approximately 10 years later when his sister shared with my cousin her brother would be leaving me when I turned 40. After a 21 year marriage, two sons, and turning 40 we divorced.

In life there are times we come face-to-face with truth but we refuse to look at it, walk in it and/or believe it. This has been the case for me in a few seasons of life. The truth can hurt. But in our weakness God gives us strength.

In the midst of trials and tribulations I have learned who I can trust, and the importance of being trustworthy. I have learned people let us down. I have learned I have let people down. Even the best of intentions can be misconstrued and cause pain to another. On days when trust struggles start to wear me down I cling to the promises of God because he never changes. He promises to work all things together for my good. These are the days I see him weaving the tattered pieces of life’s mistakes into a tapestry of his promises for a future and a hope where I am set free.

As I reflect my trust wounds were from men who took up the most room in my heart; starting with my birth father and ending with my youngest son. And in the midst of those trust challenges I have had to give God thanks for the men in between who He used to rebuild my trust. One being the man I have called dad since the age of 3, and the other is my eldest son. Both have opened their hearts to me allowing a relationship that is based on respect and transparency. These are love relationships God has used to rebuild my confidence in trusting.

On days when I feel anxious to trust I am reminded of God’s love and how he took the wounds of this world enduring betrayal so we could be set free from it.

When I look at how far I’ve come and the hand who has brought me here I can’t help but ask, who can understand the depths of his love? Because I cannot. It is beyond my comprehension but I am thankful every day for it.

In his compassion and love for me he provided a dad that has been faithful to my mom and our family. He has amazed me at how in times of trouble he is my helper. My peace in times of chaos. And joy when there has been sorrow. He has taught me the value of trust, faith, hope and love in a world struggling with betrayal, fear, loss and hate.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.