A must share that will make you weep.
Child abuse injuries… are more common than we know… for the child seldom talks… and most deep wounds don’t show. And many are sexual… with inappropriate “play”… but these adults know better… and threaten children not to say. And these sexual wounds… are not evident like a broken bone… so we have to watch for […]
via DV Awareness Day#26: Abuse and Pediatric Injuries — The Abuse Expose’ with Secret Angel
As mentioned in previous Blogs I was a young girl when my mom moved me to California. To this day I am thankful she found a good man to help raise me and that I could call daddy. As children we can conjure up all kinds of “ideas” and “reason” as to why our families are no longer living together, happy and loving one another. Truth may be we are no longer capable of living together but we can still “parent” together. And most importantly, we can still love our children together even though we’re apart.
Yes, some parents leave. Sometimes never to return. By “abandoning” they leave deep wounds.
And many parents stay. They work hard to give their children what they need to grow and become their best self. They give them family, love and a place to belong. God bless these parents, and I know He will.
My oldest son and his wife have a blended family. Both families work well together and parent with love. I am proud of them for the work they’ve done and happy to say my granddaughter is thriving. I’ve watched her grow into a confident, talented and happy young lady. I am not saying they don’t have challenges. There are challenges in every home. But the difference they’ve made is all parents are working together to create a loving home for their child!
Not all families have a happy ending. In fact, the family I worked hard to create did not have a happy ending. There were years of challenges with heartache. My divorce ended ugly and my ex refused to cooperate with me for the good of our youngest son. It was a heart wrenching journey from fear to faith as I worked through the consequences of divorce.
My hope is for us to leave our children free to love and be loved by their parents. And if one parent walks away from their responsibility then the remaining parent will work to assure their child knows it is not any fault of theirs. Today I share this song by Kelly Clarkson, Piece by Piece and as we go from fear to faith we help our children to the other side. (Matthew 7:12)
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What has taken up residence in your heart?
So many things fill our heart leaving parts of us unrecognizable as we navigate life. Scripture tells us in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Basically, our heart drives us whether it be good, bad or indifferent.
At times there can be a myriad of emotion from love to hate and everything in between. All of which impact who we are and how we love.
As I’ve spent time reflecting on my early childhood I discovered one of my heart matters to be about “trust”. At the age of 4 years old I was driving with my mom and soon to be new dad to sign adoption papers. I was in the backseat of the car when my mom turned around to tell me something very important. At 4 years old I knew it was important because we were all dressed up and I felt anxious. Not sure if I was picking up on my mom’s anxiousness or if my heart knew something was about to change.
It was through my blue eyes I saw my mom’s brown eyes and big brown hair (Bee hive dew) as she leaned over the seat and said, “Now we’re going to go talk to a nice man and he is going to ask if you want him to be your daddy, as she looked across the seat toward the man I would soon know as my daddy. Now remember to say yes when he asks if you want him to be your daddy, and when we’re done we will go get an ice cream.” Point being I was a little girl who loved ice cream and so I eagerly agreed.
We drove the rest of the way in what felt like silence.
Growing up I knew very little about my biological father outside of a few things I had heard from others. All of which were not good. This made me come up with a few reasons of my own for him not being around. These too were not good.
It’s with a grateful heart I can say, the decision my mom made to marry her new man and make him my dad was a good one. He has always been a man of integrity, and takes his commitments seriously. What I am most thankful for is he never left and he always made us feel loved.
Unfortunately, the rejection experienced during this time left scars that would eventually cause trouble for me in future relationships with men. Interestingly enough it was after my 21 year marriage came to an end when I began to experience these effects of betrayal. During my time of loss and sorrow I would lay awake at night thinking about what could have been or should have been. It was after a short time of this I realized I needed to move on and let go of what should or could have been. After all, the last thing I wanted was a hardened heart. Before long one of my daily prayers was for God to help me so I would not become an angry bitter woman afraid to love. It was in this determination I had the strength to move forward. I began to trust God in a new way. There were times it wasn’t easy navigating the broken pieces of my heart but I was fearful of what could become of me. I pictured myself driving down the street with a scowl on my face, laying on the horn for no apparent reason outside of the fact that I was just plain angry at life. And I reminded myself of how this would not be pretty!
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I never had pity parties! As ugly as they are I’ve thrown a few that have left me hung over from life. But thank the good Lord for the remedy of friends! Because in the midst of my heart matters I’ve had the love of family and good friends help rescue me. It has been their support and unconditional love that helped pry open my eyes to the many promises of God. How we need God, family and friends! I can see clearly how God used them to help resuscitate and push me through to the other side. I pray you let him do it for you too!
May these Scriptures bring encouragement and healing to your heart matters as you learn to trust God for more.
Q: Is there a heart matter you need let go so you can push through to the other side?
Today’s Scripture:
1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong”
Isaiah 40:31 “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Psalm 138:3 “In the day I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”
Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”
Parents are not perfect.
As much as we love we too have moments of selfishness and sometimes in our selfishness we’ve been known to leave scars.
One of my favorite scenes from the Rocky movies is where Rocky Balboa tells his son how proud he is of him. He gives the speech every son needs to hear. (Actually every son and daughter!)
With emotion he warns his son of the world in which we live and what matters is how much we can take and keep moving forward because that’s how winning is done.
I say to every young man whose parent has left a scar this message is for you. For every parent who has struggled with the words, “I love you and I am proud of you.” This is for you.
Let’s speak life into the lives of our children! May our words echo how much they’re valued and loved! In times of difficulty may our actions be ones that encourage and strengthen them so they will know how to take the hard knocks in life.
Jesus warned us in this world we would have troubles. He then provided the answers as to how we would be able to overcome! Now it’s our responsibility to take this message to our children so they will know how to overcome and persevere in a broken world. I hope this doesn’t sound “preachy” because that is not my intention. There have been plenty of times I’ve failed my son’s and I know I’ve contributed to some of the scars they carry. I write with a humble heart that has experienced it’s own pain as I’ve watched my son’s navigate through hard knocks in their lives!
It’s inevitable we will fail our children at times because we will not always parent perfectly. However, our words of affirmation can take our kids to a place where they not only believe in our love but live like they’re loved. In that courage and love they will soar and we will proudly watch them overcome the things in life that try to take them out. Jesus warned us and provided the answers so all would have the power within to know of his love and know the truth of what it means to overcome!
“I have told you all this so that you will have peace of heart and mind. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Tonight let’s raise our glass in honor of our children: May we be cognizant of our words speaking enough love that will infuse them with the courage needed through their troubles to get back up and move forward!
I hope this week has been good to you!
I can hardly believe we’re in the last week of October and before we know it we will be celebrating a New Year! Seriously as I glance over my calendar I ask myself, ‘where has the time gone?’ I am awe struck as to how quickly times is passing and how much there is still to do! What about those dreams, goals and desires we all long to see manifested in our lives. This calls for focus and the ability to push through over to the other side so not to miss out on all God has for us!
With that said, I want to remind you there is life after divorce! There is hope and a purpose for things yet to come for you and your children. Just because one part of life has ended doesn’t mean there won’t be a new life ahead to be embraced and celebrated. We cannot and must not allow the disappointments and sorrows of yesterday rule our tomorrows.
Now, I realize after my divorce 14 years ago there were times I became overwhelmed and I found it difficult to stay positive as I chipped away at rebuilding my new life. Some days were good and others, not so good. Not to mention how difficult it can become when divorce becomes a battle between the two sexes. However, there is beauty to be found when we’re stuck and in not so comfortable predicaments! No really! In these battles we may find ourselves outside of our comfort zone with only one place to turn. We may find we need to look deep within our soul in hopes of finding purpose in our pain as we look at the truth of who we’ve become. Good, bad or indifferent. We must look at those not so friendly places of our being and rediscover parts of ourselves that have been buried, and are no longer recognizable. It may be time to resurrect the buried character we’ve lost through the trials with new-found strength and love. It’s imperative we rekindle a love within so we can easily break free from the bondage which held us hostage in our past. Those broken areas that have left us stifled and unable to live a life the way God intended for us.
Are there pieces of your heart still needing to be set free in order for you to walk into your new place of truth. The place of truth where one can be authentic while creating a new life for themselves and those they love. No more façade.
Does that sound refreshing and freeing to you? Well this is what God want’s for us! Believe it or not, he does not want us bound to a past that has tripped us up, wounded us and left us with battle scars. He came to free us from those ugly parts of life that left us fearful and unable to live whole and free. His desire for us has always been that we live life authentically where we no longer have to work to experience freedom but put our trust acceptance in Him and his truth. How great to know there is One who loves us unconditionally. The One who accepts us just as we are and where there is no condemnation. A God who delivers us into a new freedom where we’re loosed to enjoy all of his creation.
Tonight I hope to leave you with a verse that encompasses these thoughts with the hope that you too can find your place of freedom.
“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”
Today step into your freedom leaving the pain from the past behind you. Allow yourself to find happiness again. Get excited about life and all it has to offer you! May the children touched by divorce see transformation in the lives of their parents so they too can be set free. May resentment, bitterness and regret be a thing of the past so new life can spring into action leaving you breathless because of joy and not strife!
Cheers!
“If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.” Mark 3:24 & 25
Tonight I want to share with you another Scripture that has tugged at my heartstrings. I stumbled upon this Scripture found in Mark while struggling through my divorce. I was sure I had read it before but it was at the time of my divorce it resonated within and God showed me how selfishness breeds division. It leaves us in a state of “life is all about me” and “all is mine”. Many have found they’ve left the concerns for others behind so they can fully focus on the “me” and what makes “them” happy.
As I read and prayed over this Scripture my eyes were opened to the truth of what happened to my family. It sparked a nerve within and caused me to look more deeply at the truth of how two people who once took the time to care and love one another can find themselves so separate minded they no longer are able to see beyond their selfish desires. What I discovered was the need for happiness trumped the needs and happiness of those they once vowed to love until death do they part. The choice to flee instead of fix was the final step toward division.
As we look at statistics we learn of how the family unit is disintegrating. We learn of the many children who find themselves with more than 1 – 2 homes. Sometimes there are 3 homes they find themselves shared amongst. Because of our sinful and selfish nature we allow wrong desires to creep into our head and then our heart only to deliver us to a fallen state. And when the world shouts do it YOUR way, and not God’s we can always count on some form of heartbreak. We find our intentions and our homes which began with love now in ruin from divided and selfish hearts.
The more I pondered over this tragedy happening to so many families I began to study some statistics and I came across this study from the Pew Research Center : So what does marriage in the U.S. look like these days? A recent study from the Pew Research Center found a number of interesting trends in their most recent look at marriage in America. For one, the study found that after years of declining marriage rates, the percentage of Americans who have never been married has reached a historic high point. The research indicates that about one in five adults in the U.S. (adult in this case meaning 25 years old or older), or about 42 million Americans, have never been married. Compare that to data from the 1960 Census when just one in ten adults 25 or older had never been married, or about 9% of all American adults; clearly, marriage isn’t the institution it once was. Interestingly, a larger number of never-married adults than ever before seem to be content with their singledom. In 2010, research indicated that 61% of never-married adults would like to eventually marry someday, while in 2012, that percentage dropped to just 53%.
At one time or another we’ve all lost our way in the noise and mixed messages coming from the world. We’ve slammed down our fists and shouted, ‘Enough!’ as we’ve chosen OUR way because after all, we deserve to be happy. We’ve opted out of the ways of God convincing ourselves they’re too confining and we will take our chances. In my opinion, the ramifications of our choices were not considered as the door slammed behind us. Not to mention the broken hearts as loved ones walked away. Had self-sacrifice and the honor of commitment been taken more seriously I believe the story and statistics would look much different from what we see today.
Should it surprise us that more people are waiting to marry and start families? Could it be the heart wrenching effects of their family unit falling apart that left scars screaming with the pain every time they came close to love. Maybe love to them has become something they cannot comprehend from losing so much from the divorce in their family, and so they shy away in fear of failure.
Now, I realize it is not always two people wanting a divorce in a marriage. I do understand life circumstances can become critical to the well-being and safety of some family members, and in the name of safety one must move on. But what I cannot buy into is the excuse of no longer being happy, or fulfilled. Or, the feeling of life has passed you by and you need something else to make you feel invigorated again. These are methods of madness that breed selfishness and rob you and your loved ones of a family that should stand strong together through the storms of life because of love and commitment.
As you can see, I can speak to this subject matter for hours but I realize it’s Thursday and many of us work tomorrow and so I’ll put it to rest for now. However, you must know this is a “heart topic” of mine that still bleeds a little every time I confront it. It bleeds over the pain and scars that have been left on the hearts of my son’s. I firmly believe the ramifications of divorce cannot go unnoticed and must no longer be ignored. These are critical times for our children and our grandchildren. Whatever our families look like today we must do what is right in hopes of keeping them grounded and together. We must rally together with support and love so there is never any doubt in their mind of how much they’re loved by both parents.
If you find yourself at the crossroads of divorce because there is a gap in your relationship that has become so wide you no longer can see over to the other side then I want to encourage you tonight. My hope for you is to seek help and not divorce. My prayer for you is to have the Creator of marriage, God, show up and speak truth into your life. A resounding shout of truth to drowned out all lies leaving you pulled away and separated from those you love and those who depend upon you.
In life we can become so busy we often forget to take notice of the people/things we love. We forget what makes us happy! Most days begin and end with our “To Do” lists in hopes of not forgetting anything important. But what about the things we love, are they not important?
If this is you stop what you’re doing right now and grab your pen, paper, and don’t forget your Night Cap while making a list of some of the things/people you love most! Cheers!
Things I love:
It’s amazing how a little break from the “To Do” list and mundane can bring us back to what’s truly important – the things we love. I hope this little exercise helped you as much as it did me – Sweet dreams!
I always leave San Jose feeling emotional after visiting with the kids and my grandchildren. As I check in at SJC I of course check in on Facebook letting my friends know how I am feeling. The “Feeling” popup gives so much emotion I am unable to post them all…It’s like a rollercoaster weekend in more ways than one as I try to cram as much fun in as possible with the girls. My anticipated excitement of hanging out with all of them as I prepare to travel to the Bay Area, and wrapping those sweet little girls in my arms reminds me of how time is fleeting, and how we must cherish every minute we have with those we love.
It’s a joy to hang out with these little ones watching the world through their eyes, and hearing about the world from their point of view as they share their stories. Kids see everything as exciting, cool and fun. They don’t care if they’re wearing the same swim suit all day. They don’t care if they play hard and their hair gets messed up. They love to eat dessert first. They love shiny rocks, meeting new friends, and singing out loud. They don’t see anything wrong with sitting on the edge of the pool growling at everyone that goes by (scene of a boy at the pool). They don’t hesitate to ask the questions we’d like to ask but lack the courage to do so. The other thing that gets me is how they can recharge after only resting for about 10 seconds and they feel great!
On one of my flights I had a 5 year old boy take the window seat when another passenger passed by and whispered to me, “He is a really cute little boy, you’ll enjoy him”. Not sure if she was warning me or saw a “look” on my face when he and dad squeezed into their seats. This was the little guy’s first plane ride and his brown eyes were as big as saucers as he watched out the window with excitement and kept repeating, “We’re flying!” While watching the plane rise above the buildings and mountain tops he looked out and said, “Wow, it’s a big place out there!”
As I leaned back in my seat I began to wonder why us adults can’t seem to enjoy our excursions with this much enthusiasm. It really is a big place out there and a wonderful thing to get on an airplane and fly to different destinations around the world. What if we got excited about these “little” things vs. being stressed out over cramming our legs and carryon bags into what feels like a very small space to bump shoulders with a stranger? What if we just said hi to strangers crossing our path and threw them a smile as we continued happily on our way. How simple it would be if we could muster up the courage to swim all day and not worry about our hair.
While at the pool waiting for the family to arrive I lost count of the many dads walking over to the side of the pool letting their kids know they had “just 5 more minutes.” I watched these kids “hurry” to take one more dive, one more jump, and one more swim to the other side of the pool in their last 5 minutes. They did not want it to end.
I quickly reflected back to the dad on the plane sitting next to me who asked if I had any kids. I told him yes but my kids are grown. He said, “How grown?” As I informed him they were married with kids of their own he of course gave me the compliment any gentleman would give. I told him to savor every moment as time passes quickly and he replied, “Really, well my little guy is active and doesn’t stop talking.” He looked a little exasperated!
I reminded him of how quickly they grow up and it happens in a blink of an eye. POOF and they’re off building lives and families of their own! All good things but do you ever think, “What if we had just 5 more minutes with them? What if we could go back to that memory that was so precious to experience one more time or the memory that wasn’t so precious and have a do over. What if we could have just 5 more minutes?
Some inspiration from one generation to another:
Psalms 145:4 “One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.”
Deuteronomy 4:9 “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.”
Unknown “While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”
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Every woman is of value and should be honored for the life, love and courage they have in caring for others, and their children. Being a woman is no easy feat. It comes with obligation and requires no fear. Or, shall I say the ability to act in spite of fear. It does not matter if you birthed your child or received them as a blessing from another because you are a mother and a care giver. Any way you look at it, being a mother is an honor that sometimes takes us into unknown territory requiring us to know no boundaries, and to always act out of unconditional love.
As women we have so much opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our families and communities. We have a power within us that was meant for courage and to change the world. It begins with us and then moves into the lives of those we love. If you’re a single mom parenting can be a bit more challenging as you find yourself playing a dual role, both mother and father. At times this dual role may overpower you and your ability to parent with the softer side. It’s important to have a good support system when raising children whether single or married. If you don’t have a support system I urge you to make it a priority to find other parents who can share the journey with you.
Whatever family dynamics you find yourself in please remember, you are enough! You’re the right mother for your kids and no matter the challenges God has instilled in each one of us the ability to do what we are called to do. At times it may not be all that easy and it may appear we have failed because we’ve not always reacted in the most appropriate way, made the best decisions, said the right things, or been there for every need. Or, maybe our kids are not where we feel they should be in life. These things don’t make you less of a mom or a bad parent. We are all doing the best we can with what we have and where we are in life. Don’t stop celebrating the small wins in parenting because life is short and we get one run. Do your best & trust in God’s guidance, your dedication and love. And don’t forget to have faith in your kids for the end result!
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25
Throughout my mom journey I have found myself in unfamiliar territory and these 2 verses have brought me comfort and encouragement. There have been times some of the challenges I faced provoked emotion and fear in me I could not control. This was no indication of a lack of love or lack of wanting the best for my children. But what it did do was step up my prayer life and strengthened my faith. It’s been my experience with God that he uses every situation to grow us, our children and our families. He allows nothing to go to waste.
Just recently during the Baltimore riot Toya Graham, the mother of a 16-year-old boy let the love and emotion for the well-being of her son take her to the front lines of that riot where she removed him from an embarrassing and dangerous situation. Toya warned her son to not go to that riot but to go to school, he did not listen. Kids do that from time to time. It does not mean you’re not a good mom. Toya has expectations for her son and his future. She wants the best for him as do most mother’s.
Like Toya there will be times as mothers we will need to step out and make decisions on behalf of our children in hopes of saving them from something worse and life changing. I’ve experienced that emotion and have reacted in fear in hopes of keeping a child of mine from making choices that would lead them down the wrong path. All we can do is our best and not worry what others think or what they may say. Of course we all want to be perfect parents, reacting in love and wisdom at all times! Unfortunately, that is not real life. It you’ve not seen the video of Toya Graham, a mother who acted on her emotion and anger as she slapped her son off of the riot line and toward home! It’s my guess she saved her son that day from trouble and from more than a few a slaps.
We all know kids say and do the darndest things! Most times it is cute and we laugh. Other times it may cause embarrassment and we may be a little less admired by others for our parenting skills. However, this in no way takes away the heart and good intentions for being the best we can be for our children. With the many distractions kids face today I want to encourage you to stay the course on those not so good days because its women like you that keep the candle burning in the hearts of your children which light up the path for their future.
Wishing You a Happy Mother’s Day Every Day!
Fear to Faith - A Journey to The Other Side 