Only a Journal Away!

A story is only a journal away.

Well it’s time! I’ve been praying and contemplating on how to get going with the completion of my writing project. You see there have been days it’s been painful and I’ve had to stop. But through it all God has brought healing and encouragement. Today I’m looking at the progress, growth and answered prayers with a thankful heart for the many trials God has brought me through.  I am especially grateful for the tenderness he has uncovered through His mighty Spirit which He has placed so carefully within the walls of my heart.

These are just a few of my journals which boldly remind me of all God has done,  is doing and what is yet to come! I pray the pages can form a story that empowers, encourages and reveals more of God’s love and faithfulness for those who belong to him.  Let us never give up hope because with God all things are possible! Mark 10:27

The best is yet to come…

 

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Piece by Piece – Father’s Matter

As mentioned in previous Blogs I was a young girl when my mom moved me to California. To this day I am thankful she found a good man to help raise me and that I could call daddy. As children we can conjure up all kinds of “ideas” and “reason” as to why our families are no longer living together, happy and loving one another. Truth may be we are no longer capable of living together but we can still “parent” together.  And most importantly, we can still love our children together even though we’re apart.

Yes, some parents leave.  Sometimes never to return. By “abandoning” they leave deep wounds.

And many parents stay.  They work hard to give their children what they need to grow and become their best self.  They give them family, love and a place to belong. God bless these parents, and I know He will.

My oldest son and his wife have a blended family.  Both families work well together and parent with love. I am proud of them for the work they’ve done and happy to say my granddaughter is thriving.  I’ve watched her grow into a confident, talented and happy young lady. I am not saying they don’t have challenges.  There are challenges in every home. But the difference they’ve made is all parents are working together to create a loving home for their child!

Not all families have a happy ending. In fact, the family I worked hard to create did not have a happy ending. There were years of challenges with heartache. My divorce ended ugly and my ex refused to cooperate with me for the good of our youngest son. It was a heart  wrenching journey from fear to faith as I worked through the consequences of divorce.

My hope is for us to leave our children free to love and be loved by their parents.  And if one parent walks away from their responsibility then the remaining parent will work to assure their child knows it is not any fault of theirs. Today I share this song by Kelly Clarkson, Piece by Piece and as we go from fear to faith we help our children to the other side. (Matthew 7:12)

Matters of The Heart

 

 

What has taken up residence in your heart?

So many things fill our heart leaving parts of us unrecognizable as we navigate life.  Scripture tells us in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  Basically, our heart drives us whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

At times there can be a myriad of emotion from love to hate and everything in between.  All of which impact who we are and how we love.

As I’ve spent time reflecting on my early childhood I discovered one of my heart matters to be about “trust”.   At the age of 4 years old I was driving with my mom and soon to be new dad to sign adoption papers.  I was in the backseat of the car when my mom turned around to tell me something very important.  At 4 years old I knew it was important because we were all dressed up and I felt anxious.  Not sure if I was picking up on my mom’s anxiousness or if my heart knew something was about to change.

It was through my blue eyes I saw my mom’s brown eyes and big brown hair (Bee hive dew) as she leaned over the seat and said, “Now we’re going to go talk to a nice man and he is going to ask if you want him to be your daddy, as she looked across the seat toward the man I would soon know as my daddy. Now remember to say yes when he asks if you want him to be your daddy, and when we’re done we will go get an ice cream.”  Point being I was a little girl who loved ice cream and so I eagerly agreed.

We drove the rest of the way in what felt like silence.

Growing up I knew very little about my biological father outside of a few things I had heard from others.  All of which were not good.  This made me come up with a few reasons of my own for him not being around.  These too were not good.

It’s with a grateful heart I can say, the decision my mom made to marry her new man and make him my dad was a good one.  He has always been a man of integrity, and takes his commitments seriously.  What I am most thankful for is he never left and he always made us feel loved.

Unfortunately, the rejection experienced during this time left scars that would eventually cause trouble for me in future relationships with men.  Interestingly enough it was after my 21 year marriage came to an end when I began to experience these effects of betrayal.  During my time of loss and sorrow I would lay awake at night thinking about what could have been or should have been.  It was after a short time of this I realized I needed to move on and let go of what should or could have been. After all, the last thing I wanted was a hardened heart.  Before long one of my daily prayers was for God to help me so I would not become an angry bitter woman afraid to love.  It was in this determination I had the strength to move forward.  I began to trust God in a new way.  There were times it wasn’t easy navigating the broken pieces of my heart but I was fearful of what could become of me.  I pictured myself driving down the street with a scowl on my face, laying on the horn for no apparent reason outside of the fact that I was just plain angry at life. And I reminded myself of how this would not be pretty!

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I never had pity parties! As ugly as they are I’ve thrown a few that have left me hung over from life.  But thank the good Lord for the remedy of friends!  Because in the midst of my heart matters I’ve had the love of family and good friends help rescue me.  It has been their support and unconditional love that helped pry open my eyes to the many promises of God. How we need God, family and friends!  I can see clearly how God used them to help resuscitate and push me through to the other side. I pray you let him do it for you too!

May these Scriptures bring encouragement and healing to your heart matters as you learn to trust God for more.

Q: Is there a heart matter you need let go so you can push through to the other side?

Today’s Scripture:

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong”

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Psalm 138:3 “In the day I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”

Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”

 

 

Thursday Night’s NightCap!

I hope this week has been good to you!

I can hardly believe we’re in the last week of October and before we know it we will be celebrating a New Year! Seriously as I glance over my calendar I ask myself, ‘where has the time gone?’ I am awe struck as to how quickly times is passing and how much there is still to do! What about those dreams, goals and desires we all long to see manifested in our lives. This calls for focus and the ability to push through over to the other side so not to miss out on all God has for us!

With that said, I want to remind you there is life after divorce! There is hope and a purpose for things yet to come for you and your children. Just because one part of life has ended doesn’t mean there won’t be a new life ahead to be embraced and celebrated. We cannot and must not allow the disappointments and sorrows of yesterday rule our tomorrows.

Now, I realize after my divorce 14 years ago there were times I became overwhelmed and I found it difficult to stay positive as I chipped away at rebuilding my new life. Some days were good and others, not so good. Not to mention how difficult it can become when divorce becomes a battle between the two sexes. However, there is beauty to be found when we’re stuck and in not so comfortable predicaments! No really! In these battles we may find ourselves outside of our comfort zone with only one place to turn. We may find we need to look deep within our soul in hopes of finding purpose in our pain as we look at the truth of who we’ve become. Good, bad or indifferent. We must look at those not so friendly places of our being and rediscover parts of ourselves that have been buried, and are no longer recognizable. It may be time to resurrect the buried character we’ve lost through the trials with new-found strength and love. It’s imperative we rekindle a love within so we can easily break free from the bondage which held us hostage in our past. Those broken areas that have left us stifled and unable to live a life the way God intended for us.

Are there pieces of your heart still needing to be set free in order for you to walk into your new place of truth. The place of truth where one can be authentic while creating a new life for themselves and those they love. No more façade.

Does that sound refreshing and freeing to you? Well this is what God want’s for us! Believe it or not, he does not want us bound to a past that has tripped us up, wounded us and left us with battle scars. He came to free us from those ugly parts of life that left us fearful and unable to live whole and free. His desire for us has always been that we live life authentically where we no longer have to work to experience freedom but put our trust acceptance in Him and his truth. How great to know there is One who loves us unconditionally. The One who accepts us just as we are and where there is no condemnation. A God who delivers us into a new freedom where we’re loosed to enjoy all of his creation.

Tonight I hope to leave you with a verse that encompasses these thoughts with the hope that you too can find your place of freedom.

“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”

Today step into your freedom leaving the pain from the past behind you. Allow yourself to find happiness again.  Get excited about life and all it has to offer you!  May the children touched by divorce see transformation in the lives of their parents so they too can be set free. May resentment, bitterness and regret be a thing of the past so new life can spring into action leaving you breathless because of joy and not strife!

Cheers!

Thursday Night’s NightCap

“If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.” Mark 3:24 & 25

Tonight I want to share with you another Scripture that has tugged at my heartstrings. I stumbled upon this Scripture found in Mark while struggling through my divorce. I was sure I had read it before but it was at the time of my divorce it resonated within and God showed me how selfishness breeds division. It leaves us in a state of “life is all about me” and “all is mine”. Many have found they’ve left the concerns for others behind so they can fully focus on the “me” and what makes “them” happy.

As I read and prayed over this Scripture my eyes were opened to the truth of what happened to my family. It sparked a nerve within and caused me to look more deeply at the truth of how two people who once took the time to care and love one another can find themselves so separate minded they no longer are able to see beyond their selfish desires. What I discovered was the need for happiness trumped the needs and happiness of those they once vowed to love until death do they part. The choice to flee instead of fix was the final step toward division.

As we look at statistics we learn of how the family unit is disintegrating. We learn of the many children who find themselves with more than 1 – 2 homes. Sometimes there are 3 homes they find themselves shared amongst.  Because of our sinful and selfish nature we allow wrong desires to creep into our head and then our heart only to deliver us to a fallen state. And when the world shouts do it YOUR way, and not God’s we can always count on some form of heartbreak. We find our intentions and our homes which began with love now in ruin from divided and selfish hearts.

The more I pondered over this tragedy happening to so many families I began to study some statistics and I came across this study from the Pew Research Center : So what does marriage in the U.S. look like these days? A recent study from the Pew Research Center found a number of interesting trends in their most recent look at marriage in America. For one, the study found that after years of declining marriage rates, the percentage of Americans who have never been married has reached a historic high point. The research indicates that about one in five adults in the U.S. (adult in this case meaning 25 years old or older), or about 42 million Americans, have never been married. Compare that to data from the 1960 Census when just one in ten adults 25 or older had never been married, or about 9% of all American adults; clearly, marriage isn’t the institution it once was.  Interestingly, a larger number of never-married adults than ever before seem to be content with their singledom. In 2010, research indicated that 61% of never-married adults would like to eventually marry someday, while in 2012, that percentage dropped to just 53%.

At one time or another we’ve all lost our way in the noise and mixed messages coming from the world. We’ve slammed down our fists and shouted, ‘Enough!’ as we’ve chosen OUR way because after all, we deserve to be happy. We’ve opted out of the ways of God convincing ourselves they’re too confining and we will take our chances. In my opinion, the ramifications of our choices were not considered as the door slammed behind us. Not to mention the broken hearts as loved ones walked away.  Had self-sacrifice and the honor of commitment been taken more seriously I believe the story and statistics would look much different from what we see today.

Should it surprise us that more people are waiting to marry and start families? Could it be the heart wrenching effects of their family unit falling apart that left scars screaming with the pain every time they came close to love. Maybe love to them has become something they cannot comprehend from losing so much from the divorce in their family, and so they shy away in fear of failure.

Now, I realize it is not always two people wanting a divorce in a marriage. I do understand life circumstances can become critical to the well-being and safety of some family members, and in the name of safety one must move on. But what I cannot buy into is the excuse of no longer being happy, or fulfilled. Or, the feeling of life has passed you by and you need something else to make you feel invigorated again. These are methods of madness that breed selfishness and rob you and your loved ones of a family that should stand strong together through the storms of life because of love and commitment.

As you can see, I can speak to this subject matter for hours but I realize it’s Thursday and many of us work tomorrow and so I’ll put it to rest for now. However, you must know this is a “heart topic” of mine that still bleeds a little every time I confront it. It bleeds over the pain and scars that have been left on the hearts of my son’s. I firmly believe the ramifications of divorce cannot go unnoticed and must no longer be ignored. These are critical times for our children and our grandchildren. Whatever our families look like today we must do what is right in hopes of keeping them grounded and together. We must rally together with support and love so there is never any doubt in their mind of how much they’re loved by both parents.

If you find yourself at the crossroads of divorce because there is a gap in your relationship that has become so wide you no longer can see over to the other side then I want to encourage you tonight. My hope for you is to seek help and not divorce. My prayer for you is to have the Creator of marriage, God, show up and speak truth into your life. A resounding shout of truth to drowned out all lies leaving you pulled away and separated from those you love and those who depend upon you.

It Has Been Five Weeks Since My Last…

It has been 5 weeks since my last post and I am not happy about it. Every time I’ve sat down to write I’ve become overwhelmed with what I want to share and get up and walk away leaving the page blank. I’ll type a little, hit delete. Type some more, hit delete. After weeks of this it’s time to rethink the blog so I change my theme. But that is not quite all I need to think about…and then I realize more than ever I need to begin with the end. By the end I mean where I find myself today on Wednesday, August 5, 2015.

The past few weeks have felt a little like a thief casing the outside of my house. It’s dark inside the house and unsettling but he knows there is something good in there and he needs to get to it without disrupting too much around him. And there you have it I’ve been casing the outside of my memory bank acknowledging the goodness of God and how He really does bring good out of the difficulties we encounter. All the while struggling to muster up courage and collect my thoughts to share all that is inside me while working hard to not disrupt too much! You see I find myself in a “happy” place and I want to bask in it for a while because I believe God brought me to this place of rest and beauty to prepare me for the things I will share with others. Things I would have done differently or have learned along the way from going through a divorce, struggling teenagers, and learning how to embrace my singleness after a 21-year marriage.

So beginning with where I am now seems to be perfect after I’ve finally arrived at this point in life where I refuse to give the enemy a foothold to trample around on my territory! Oh, hell no because I’ve become stronger from the adversity I’ve encountered along the way. I hope to share my experiences (good and bad) to bring hope to others who may be facing similar obstacles in their journey. I want to encourage and reassure my readers they’re not alone in this big world. Someone cares about you and what you’re going through! I’ve learned along the way that in every storm there is a glimpse of light and then a rainbow to follow which will brighten up those dark days of the past and work to propel you into the future.

Rick Warren say’s it like this, “Why have to learn from your mistakes when you can learn from the mistakes of others and save yourself the heartache.”

But most importantly, I want the love and grace of God to light up these pages shooting rays of sunshine your way that leave you with hope for today and encouraged to face tomorrow! So join me as I share some good memories and not so good memories, laughter, disappointments and tears as we move into our futures together…one day at a time with the Creator of all good things, God.

Here are three encouraging words to help pull you out and over to the other side:

Don’t carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones. Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. – Unknown

A mistake should be your teacher, not your attacker. A mistake is a lesson, not a loss. It is a temporary, necessary detour, not a dead end. – Anonymous

For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

It’s Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

As I walk in the newness of this next chapter of life I am discovering more about me and how important change can be to our growth. Many times as we grow into the plans and purposes of God we will find there are things we must let go of in order to move forward. Some times what it looks like on the outside is not what is going on in the inside.

As a parent my heart’s desire was to get my children through life with as little heartache, loss and rejection so they would experience a life of success and love. That desire and prayer of mine never changed.

In my efforts to do everything right it did not always turn out right. As parents we do our best with what we’ve learned from watching others, books we’ve read and from our parents. But the most important part of being a mother is having a mother’s heart which I believe God places within us. It is in that heart of love we learn more about God, our children and ourselves.

There is a book by Dr. Dobson, “Parenting Isn’t for Cowards” which is a great book on parenting but it was the title that first grabbed me because the truth is in our journey of parenthood there is no guarantee of a happy ending. Challenges in parenting can surface at any age but one thing for sure is once a parent, always a parent. Parenting always will look different through the stages of life our kids grow into, and we must be ready to go the distance in hopes of releasing them into the future God prepared for them, with the ability to be self-supporting and contributors to a better society.

Today there is still pain in my heart as I reflect on days past. The days that turned into months, and months into years before my younger son came home. His years away were spent in more of a daze as his brother and I worked hard to support and encourage him. The vision of how this would all come to an end was much different than where I find this relationship today. During these turbulent years as dysfunctional as it was it was difficult to move forward and to find complete happiness knowing what he was going through.

Before my son went away he was showing signs of distress. In my efforts to help him life became more difficult because he only wanted help from his father. Now this would have been fine had his dad been emotionally available to help him. During a very critical time for my son his father began building a new life and was too busy for him. Because of the ramifications and circumstances surrounding my divorce this added to my concern for my son. My fear for his safety and well-being influenced my desire to fight harder for him. Unfortunately, my son did not want my help nor did he have any desire to have me parent him in any way. This fight for him was perceived as an intent for me to control more of his life and not as an act of a mother’s love and concern for her child.

As most parents experience with teenagers they go through a rebellious stage. His rebellion began before the divorce and worsened after. It was during his first years of high school when he began losing interest in school work and his responsibilities. His ability to focus on things other than sports and girls became less and less important to him. As mother’s we know many times our effort to parent and help our children in a time when things are spiraling out of control can leave us frantic. This is how I felt during that time, frantic as I watched my son become more distant and rebellious. It wasn’t long before my efforts began to look like a controlling mother gone mad. The more I tried to get my son under control and keep him accountable the more he despised me. In his rebellion he began cutting school and getting into trouble with the law.

Fast forward and now we’re in a courtroom where I find myself fighting to keep my son’s father accountable for him by seeing that he finish school and stay out of trouble. My fight in this battle was meant for good, not evil. It was done in love for my son in hopes of seeing him have a productive and healthy future.

My son like many kids of divorced parents wanted to live with his dad. The courts allowed this due to his age and the testimony of my son which stated I was trying to control him and his life by calling the school to see if he attended, did his homework, and by wanting to know if he was safe and staying out of trouble on the weekends. I thought I was doing what any caring loving mother would do who desires only the best for their child. Unfortunately, in our situation my son did not like me very much and considered me a control freak trying to ruin his life. In the midst of having all my parenting rights removed because of his age, and he and his father assuring the court they had everything under control I walked out of court that day an unwanted mother.   For me my marriage was over, but not my responsibility and love for my son.

As the days progressed I began to hear from friends how he was on the road to destruction. The more I tried to help the more twisted the lies of his father became toward me and my intentions towards my son. My hands and heart were tied.

Until Six-months later and 3 days after his 18 birthday he was arrested.

It was early morning as I sat down at my desk and began playing my messages when I was greeted with the voice of my son. His call was informing me he was in County Jail and needed me. As I gasped for air I dialed his dad’s number because believe it or not I had no idea where county jail was located. Yes, I had been married to a police officer and knew where the Police Dept. was but I don’t ever remember having been to County Jail.

Needless to say, I was given the address and hung up on.

Once again, things were about to change and I was going to embark on an even deeper darker road taking me to places I never wanted to go. Surrounding me with people I never thought to have a thought about. And bringing me closer to a God I thought I knew everything I needed to know about in my life time.

A Time for Everything

Balboa Island

I have fallen in love with So Cal and it truly feels like home! Most days I have to remind myself I am not on vacation and this usually occurs Monday – Friday as I head down the hill for work in the morning. It would be so easy to take a wrong turn and head toward the beach because my view is literally the Pacific Ocean show casing Catalina and Balboa Islands. Sail boats lace the coast while the coast shows off palm trees and gorgeous landscape. It’s enticing and difficult to feel anything but free here as gratitude fills my heart for the things God has brought me through, placed me in and is working out in me. It truly is a refreshing season and great time of discovery as I experience more of God.

Did you know So Cal has what they call grey May and June gloom? It’s a reminder to me that sometimes we need to make the decision that no matter what is going on around us we won’t allow it to impact what is happening inside of us! Even the weather!

Now I am not saying I don’t have days where my heart becomes heavy over things from the past and regret creeps in over battles that did not end well. There is still the realization that I have fragmented pieces of my heart and soul still needing the healing touch of God. I feel like something has been unlocked inside of me and I am free to share and express so much of what I held so close to my heart because of concern over what people would think or say. None of us want to be judged because no matter what the season, good or bad it’s our season. We can only hope to be the best we can be as we go through it, and then have an opportunity to pay it forward by helping someone else in some way. The bottom line is nothing anyone experiences should be kept in lock down while there are others who may find comfort, encouragement or help from hearing it.

In Ecclesiastes 3 we are reminded of how there is a time for everything, and a time for every season under the heavens. My prayer would be if only we could always leave a positive impact on those we love making the most out of the time we’ve been given, and to find ourselves in a place with little or no regret.

There is a season for everything, and a time for every event under heaven;² a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what was planted; ³ a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build up; ⁴ a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; ⁵ a time to scatter stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ⁶ a time to search, and a time to give up searching; a time to keep, and a time to discard; ⁷ a time to tear, and a time to mend; a time to be silent, and a time to speak; ⁸ a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Let me ask you to think about this a bit. Really, over 2000 years ago people were going through the same seasons of life only it was a different era. Can you imagine? We are not alone! There are others who have gone through, are going through and will go through many of the same life experiences we face today.

For centuries people have been getting married, building families, building homes, and building careers. They’ve experienced divorce, war, loss of life, loss of jobs, and all kinds of evil. The list goes on but you get the point. As I begin to share some of my own stories involving a very difficult season of my life, mainly divorce, and the ramifications it had on my family I hope to provide insight to those in need. If you’re currently walking through a divorce, contemplating divorce or experiencing issues of rebellion with your children then I hope you will learn from my experiences and come to know that God works all things together for good. Even in the midst of our worst mistakes God can bring something good. It’s a season. It too will pass.