Betrayal, God, Love, Trust

Time Brings Truth

Trusst rock

Trust is a heart purpose that begins with intention. 

We decide if we will trust. 

We decide if we will be trustworthy. 

As mentioned in my previous blog, trust is something learned at an early age. If someone hurts or deceives us we feel betrayed. Betrayal can cause us to carry wounds that change the pattern of our thinking and feeling. As we continue through life if that wound is not healed then it festers. As time passes we may find ourselves in what I call protective mode. Being in protective mode can manifest into doubt, bitterness, resentment, and a pain that creates a wedge prohibiting us to be transparent with others. It’s safe to say it impacts the way we love ourselves and how we love others.

My trust issues originated from lack of love and care from my biological father. At the time I was too young to understand why and it caused me to guard my heart as I grew up. I did not trust too many people. If I felt someone was unsafe or untrustworthy it was easy for me to walk away so not to get hurt. With each wound I became more guarded and it planted seeds of doubt regarding God’s love for me, and a lack of trust in him.

Through the years my relationship with God has taken many turns as I’ve grown in my trust and understanding of him. I did the changing. He remained the same. (Malachi 3:6)

As a teenager I began thinking of marriage and told myself I would marry someone I can trust because that was important to me. At the age of 19 I married a police officer, and because he wore a badge it added a false sense of security in that I could trust him. Unfortunately, he became the second man in my life to wound me with betrayal. I had been married about 9 months and was 3 months pregnant when his brother informed me it was good we were having a baby because his brother had planned on leaving me. It was approximately 10 years later when his sister shared with my cousin her brother would be leaving me when I turned 40. After a 21 year marriage, two sons, and turning 40 we divorced.

In life there are times we come face-to-face with truth but we refuse to look at it, walk in it and/or believe it. This has been the case for me in a few seasons of life. The truth can hurt. But in our weakness God gives us strength.

In the midst of trials and tribulations I have learned who I can trust, and the importance of being trustworthy. I have learned people let us down. I have learned I have let people down. Even the best of intentions can be misconstrued and cause pain to another. On days when trust struggles start to wear me down I cling to the promises of God because he never changes. He promises to work all things together for my good. These are the days I see him weaving the tattered pieces of life’s mistakes into a tapestry of his promises for a future and a hope where I am set free.

As I reflect my trust wounds were from men who took up the most room in my heart; starting with my birth father and ending with my youngest son. And in the midst of those trust challenges I have had to give God thanks for the men in between who He used to rebuild my trust. One being the man I have called dad since the age of 3, and the other is my eldest son. Both have opened their hearts to me allowing a relationship that is based on respect and transparency. These are love relationships God has used to rebuild my confidence in trusting.

On days when I feel anxious to trust I am reminded of God’s love and how he took the wounds of this world enduring betrayal so we could be set free from it.

When I look at how far I’ve come and the hand who has brought me here I can’t help but ask, who can understand the depths of his love? Because I cannot. It is beyond my comprehension but I am thankful every day for it.

In his compassion and love for me he provided a dad that has been faithful to my mom and our family. He has amazed me at how in times of trouble he is my helper. My peace in times of chaos. And joy when there has been sorrow. He has taught me the value of trust, faith, hope and love in a world struggling with betrayal, fear, loss and hate.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.


Love is Patient…


On the lighter side…Sometimes trying to figure out what to wear can be challenging, not to mention who to date. I can link these two together because all women know how important it is to wear the right clothes on a date. Since I arrived in sunny Newport Coast where the sunsets are as beautiful as the people I have had a few dates. None to write home about, unfortunately. However, as I’ve discussed with many friends along the way it can be challenging to find the one you want to spend time with.

I’ve heard absence makes the heart grow fonder and I think that is what it did for the guy I dated when I lived back in the Bay Area. Unfortunately, it did not for me. I say unfortunately because he is a really good guy and most women would snatch him up. He has a lot to offer, not to mention he is building the home of my dreams. Yes, the Tuscany home in a beautiful neighborhood where I have good friends. He can offer the right woman stability, laughter, and romance which most women want.

A few weeks after moving into my new home I received a text from him letting me know he was in my hood and wanted to stop by, So Cal, Really? Upon asking if he was in So Cal my phone rang and it was him, “You moved?” Long story short, I have received calls and texts from him weekly since July. In fact, he insisted on visiting a couple of weeks ago. I let him know he was welcome to come out but I made certain things very clear and he still came to visit. We had a great time hanging out in Balboa, eating our way through Laguna and enjoying the sunset in Newport. It was fun and we laughed, a lot. And then he went home only to let me know he would visit often if I wanted.

Now, I don’t want to sound selfish or greedy but I am waiting for something more. It’s hard to explain but I know there is something more for me as I long to be with a man who brings out the best in me. By that I mean, who brings out God in me. You see, God is the best part of me. He is the one who keeps me soft, kind, gentle, patient, and full of love with a forgiving spirit. He is the one who protects, teaches me to trust, hope and persevere. This is what my heart tells me I can have if I wait for God’s timing and I don’t run into the arms of someone who looks good on the outside but on the inside is not the right fit.

So I am now praying that Mr. Not the Right Fit finds the woman who is right for him, and who brings out his best.

Do you remember when the TV would sound loudly; THIS IS A TEST, ONLY A TEST? Well, I considered this to be my test to see how valuable the things of God really are to me. A check point if you will to register my commitment to God and whether or not I am really willing to wait on him for the “right” man. Many times the world say’s, you can have it all now but it’s not the right thing or the right person for you. This is when it’s important to stop and re-evaluate what you want, where you’re going and who you’d like to go with you. If they’re not standing beside you at the time, it’s OK. It doesn’t mean they won’t show up and maybe when you least expect it. (This one is for my buddy who reminds me of this frequently as a joke)

As God would have it a FB friend posted a message he heard, “When A Man Loves A Woman”.  This was a message for a group of men but I feel it’s important for women to hear too. In life we can feel in a hurry for many things and this message is a great reminder of how important it is to choose the right one using wisdom.  I promise you won’t be sorry you listened.

So, I consider myself to have passed this test and I’ll keep praying and trusting God for the man he has for me. It’s important I don’t give up on the things God has planted in my heart. As we all know, everything starts with a vision or a dream and God’s Word clearly states, a man without a vision will perish. (Proverbs 29:18)

So for now, I am going to plan at least my wardrobe around what makes me comfortable and what feels good. And I am going with my Citizens of Humanity jeans – the Boyfriend fit! You know the comfy and dependable ones that hug you just right.